Well at about 7pm this evening when I remembered I needed a wee (probably haven’t been since 7am) I discovered my trusty mum pants have been on back to front all day! I literally couldn’t make this shit up! Now if I was wearing my pre mum pants I would have noticed because they would have been some g-string, either a sexy or pretty type depending on one’s mood ; ). So now you can imagine the size of my undergarments since its taken me all day to notice!!! Comfy though!
Perhaps my pants being on the wrong way round are somewhat symbolic of the fact I really haven’t got my shit together. Like most mums, I am a great pretender. On the school run I often get told “how do you look so good after having three kids?”, CRINGE I find this very embarrassing but always reply with “makeup” as I never venture out without it. The reality however is unknown to the onlooker. They haven’t seen what I’m nipping and tucking in where, what my morning face is like, let alone my breath! Just like they don’t see how disorganised my house is that morning, that my clothes smell like baby sick and my jeans were only recently cleaned with a baby wipe!
But how will they ever know if I keep up such pretence. This probably isn’t helped by my obsession over housework, I always need this to be in order, it weirdly makes me think I am doing ok. So perhaps when other mums visit they get this impression that I am always on top of everything, but really they just need to open my bedroom door to see the reality of the situation! Or perhaps see me an hour before they arrive, swearing, running around like a headless chicken whilst letting the kids cry so I can do ‘just’ that one last job!
I ashamedly cannot venture out of the house without makeup on as I do not feel comfortable without it, but should I? just once in a while to give other mums the feeling that I am just like them, I am ‘normal’ and just as knackered? Problem is however that’s not my normal, make up’d mum that’s my normal and uber clean bathroom and slightly ocd about hoovered floors, well that’s also me! Wish I could change both those things but I cant, because it wouldn’t be me.
I am much more self aware now then I’ve ever been. The big reality shock about the impact I may have on others came after baby number two when I was sitting outside a pub having my first drink since number two chatting to a friend who doesn’t yet have children. I moaned about the difficulties of parenthood, my struggle to always try to be the best and the usual continual guilty feelings we get as a parent. She talked about what she expect her life will be like with children when she announced that I am intimidating to her as a parent.
I was left completely shocked, but this wasn’t said with any malice, she just explained that from the outside it looks all rather idyllic, country walks, going to groups and doing baking/crafting with the children. She explained she already thought she would struggle with motherhood as she had had so much time to herself already having a career etc. She said she already knew she wouldn’t be one of ‘those’ mothers. She also explained that others possibly around me felt the same, unable to meet these ideals.
I was truly shocked and reflected on this conversation for days after. I never wanted to be one of ‘those’ mothers, that just wasn’t me and some of the baking of course I enjoy but the other stuff is sometimes just a tad dull and we do it just to pass the time! It’s always an age before Daddy returned home and by then I am always out of patience as well as sanity. But with my first child, I never spoke of the struggles, certainly not to the mothers I would meet at group, I would always smile, dress the child in their best wear and look like I had my shit together. I just thought that’s what you do, INNIT?
Back then, we are talking 7 almost 8 years ago, I didn’t read blogs, or books about real accounts of parenthood, I did what I thought everyone else was doing, researching Annabel Karmel for baby food recipes, avoiding too much TV time (WTF-Cbeebies is the best and cheapest babysitter on earth!) and singing nursery rhymes all day long! What a knob I was, I apologise for anyone that knew me then! What you saw was not what you got!
I struggled then, but not as much because I only had one to contend with then and a hell of a lot of time on my hands, a sack full of patience and no job to return to after maternity leave. Now is so different, I understand more so how important it is to each other to really show motherhood for what it is, THE BLOODY HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD!
KEEP IT REAL READERS and please share this post after you have read it if you have ever felt like this.
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Three Before Thirty 