The Adult World

IMG_2099.JPGIt’s just about as enticing as the Small World ride at Disneyland to children, without the annoying theme tune…”It’s a small, small, world…laalaaalaaala”. From what we speak, to what we wear and to how we think and do, it all looks so glamorous to the young child. Children want to dip in and out of what they see of the adult world, and try it on for size because for some strange reason they want to be just like us?

Paying a mortgage, functioning on less than five hours sleep a night and working as a modern day slave in the home is apparently not enough to put them off wanting to grow up so fast! I moan enough times in the day to my eldest about “Poor Mummy and her 100 jobs”, but still she cant wait to be 9, then 10, 11 and especially cannot wait to be a high school student and wear a backpack instead of a bookbag to school!

I haven’t forgotten what it felt like to want to be just that bit bigger like someone you admired. For me it was wanting to wear make up first of all, and now I am BIG enough I wish I didn’t need it! Then I wanted to wear high heels, and now I can, all I want to wear are comfortable flat shoes, like Converse.

I wanted a bank card, with a real pin number and now Id much rather pretend to pay with monopoly money, but I doubt that would get me very far at Aldi for my weekly shop. A handbag seemed so exciting, I always wondered what my mum stored in there, the thing was like a tardis. I am now the proud owner of a changing bag currently and cannot remember what the last handbag I used was! Simply because I am too cool.

Driving a car, I couldn’t wait! Now being driven appeals! Sadly I am just not rich enough to afford a driver! But if I was I would have Robert De Niro just as he was in that film ‘The Intern’ for Anne Hathaway as my driver! He got her coffee, ferried the child about and even caught her cheating husband! Handy!

Anyway, so off point. Tonight when driving back from the school run, the eldest, was listening to Daddy’s James Arthur CD and his song Prisoner came on. Its a great tune, but I did not realise very early on he sings “Drive you up the FUCKING wall”. Ooops and to think I just turned over that song “Sexual” because I didn’t want her singing along. Pretty wrong to have an eight year old singing “I’m feeling sexual, so we should be sexual”.

Anyway, it was a brief swear word and I was certain she heard it in the beginning as she sung along to the rest of the song, as she clearly knew all the words! As we pulled up outside home, I asked her to stop messing about and get out of the car, to which she replied “I’m fucking trying to”. As soon as she said it, her eyes popped out of her head as did mine! I knew exactly that the whole way home she was thinking about that word and so it was just a matter of time before she tried it out!

She later then uttered the word “Bloody” and saw herself off the IPAD until further notice! But I started to think about how, at that age, everything appears cool and also so out of reach. And sadly I found it starts at about 6/7, that wanting to be bigger and do older, more adult like things.

So I started to think about how exciting we make the adult world look to a child and why an earth they would simply want to grow up and become us! Because I hope I am not alone in saying, there is no fun in aging, it’s all sags, bags and wrinkles.

But in our attempt to hide things, we make the appeal that much greater. For example when I used to have cough sweets and tell my eldest she was too young to have them and that they tasted horrible and she wouldn’t like them. She kept smelling my breath and looking at the packaging in disbelief. As she got older and she had a really bad cough I let her take a pack into school in her bookbag. Even with strict instructions, “Do not give them out, they are not sweets, you must tell the teacher you have them and ask if you can have one”. She was so excited to have them. and the more I emphasised their ‘specialness’ the more she thought she had something worth having!

She also recently asked me what the word was for her “bits” as she calls them is! I said to her that I would tell her, but she wasn’t to go shouting it out at school! I said it’s called a “Vagina” and cringed massively as I said that word! Much prefer calling, it “Foof, or Minnie”, seems much nicer than VAGINA! Anyway she said “Oh, ok Mummy” looking all surprised at this new word she had never heard before and promised she wouldn’t go telling everyone at school! I can just imagine her saying, “Girls guess what, I’ve got a VAGINA!!”. It’s the truth, but sometimes the truth is a little bit ugly!

So tonight in the bath, I thought she had forgotten this word as I hadn’t used it since and she hadn’t said anymore about it! But she keep saying to her brother, who thankfully can hardly talk at the moment, “Look, Maddox, look at my Vachina”! “VACHINA”, she kept saying! I looked at her and then said “Imogen what have I told you tonight about using naughty words” in my serious mummy voice. She responded like the clever little shit she is, with… “Mummy how can it be naughty if that’s the actual name for it”. FFS fair point. 1-0 to Imogen!

Thank god we are not onto the subject of sex yet. I doubt however this will be long, and I am certain I’ll be just as unprepared for the question!

Yikes, any tips on how to make the adult world and growing up seem far less exciting? Help me out with your tips on Facebook! or share with me your funny VACHINA stories!

Child Free

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Just those two words, sounds all warm and lovely and suggests peace and quiet! Well in two small doses, that is what was achieved this weekend! If only all weekends could be the same! Or even just once a month, for a few hours!

This weekend was another busy one, and strangely I’m turning into a bit of a Victor Meldrew about doing things at weekends when I just want to stay at home and hibernate. This is because sometimes I’m not arsed if we see a single person! But on second thoughts it’s often a nice break from the norm, to do something different and speak to more adults than children!

The husband and I had planned to go out Friday evening. When I say husband, I mean me really! He had worked a 70 hour week and neither of us had uttered a sentence to each other all week, instead turning to our iPhones in the evening for ‘downtime’! I have a feeling I am not alone on this one! So I thought, perhaps if we actually escape the house we may even have a full conversation with each other and ignore the pleasures of Facebook and Instagram, or in his case Linkd In!

I also had not left Ruby for any longer than a shopping trip to Morrisons, so the thought of going out was exciting, but also nerve-racking! With number one, I didn’t leave her with anyone until 10 months old, then number two it took me until six months old until I felt able to leave him, so 5 months is an improvement right?! And since this is number three I was not guilt ridden by this at all! Mummy and Daddy time was LONG overdue!

So after trying to get into a few restaurants for Friday evening unsuccessfully, I called the husband to say this may not happen and he replied, saying “Do we mind if we don’t tonight, I’ll be late home and I’m quite tired!”. I wasn’t at all bothered because my sister AKA trusted babysitter, could also watch the little humans Saturday evening, so I thought Id try again in the morning to actually book something. I’m so out of practice when it comes to dining out just the two of us that I didn’t realise you needed to book these things! Because I shit you not, there are other adults who regularly dine out in nice eateries on a regular, and places get actually quite busy! Some people even have what you call a social life!

So Saturday morning, the husband goes off to get his hair cut, conveniently taking two hours, so I am stuck in with the never ending housework and three beautiful, never naughty and always well behaved children! I juggle “No, don’t kick your sister, or run over her toes with the trolley” with phoning around to book a simple table for two at a nice restaurant! “Yes Madame, we can seat you at 10pm”, said one restaurateur, “Excuse me, did you say 10pm at night”, I replied. “Yes 10pm this evening”. I kid you not he was serious, who the fuck eats at that hour, no thanks mate, ill be asleep by then! 10pm, seriously? Or am I just getting old?

Two, three and four hours passed, and still no booking! Desperate times, called for a Facebook status to ask my lovely friends to recommend some restaurants in the local area! Luckily we found two we didn’t need to book in for, so we left it at that as I was determined not to waste an opportunity of a baby sister, and 5oz of painfully expressed breastmilk.

Certain places were booking is not required dictates you should get there nice an early to ensure you have a table. Do not for example, arrive after say 8pm and request a table. Because like us, they will say “Sure we can seat you at 10pm”!. The place looked lovely and my husband and I, ordered a drink and then we looked at each other after they took our names down and said “Nah, shall we just go elsewhere?”. A call across to another no need to book, place known as the Crown at Stoke By Nayland, said we could come for 9pm. So we guzzled down our drinks, and got back into the car! My head started to imagine all kinds of things going wrong and just ending the night on a Mc Donalds!

Phew! We arrived and they did in fact have a table for two ready, despite being super busy! The service was brilliant despite a full restaurant and even now it was only 9pm, we didn’t have to wait long between courses! Yes, we went all out and had three courses, all hot! How novel! I couldn’t tell you the fancy names for exactly what I ate, but it went something like this…posh curry bhaji with some dip dip, followed by duck and mash and some sauce finished up with a chocolate brownie, ice cream and some squashed berries. Yum! Well that was what I ate, the husband had some pork scratching’s, posh ones like, followed by a massive mixed grill, homemade chunky chips and then the same desert!

All the while I checked my phone just to see if my children were still alive! Alas, they were and as soon and we were home, we went to bed! Because that’s what absolutely knackered parents do. Oh and NO, no consummating of the occasion happened, only snoring from the other half! Number three did not wake for ages, but I woke up at least three times with one HUGE boobie, and of course to check to see if she was still breathing! I didn’t need to check on the husbands breathing because I could hear him LOUD and BLOODY clear!

This weekend, I also had an afternoon tea to attend to for the Sister in Laws 30th. I had always planned in advance to leave all three children with the husband just to see how he would cope of course! So after the usual Sunday food shopping shit, I got out of my Mummy clothes and wore something that I didn’t need to breastfeed in and even wore some heels that I walked like a 12 year old in!

So Sunday afternoon was spent, filling my face with scones, clotted cream a plenty, chocolate éclairs, teeny tiny posh sandwiches and cups upon cups of HOT tea! This is not the life of a parent at ALL! Twas awesome! If you are ever in the Lavenham area, you must go to the Swan for afternoon tea! It is the best afternoon tea, I have found and I must say I’ve sampled a few!

So I arrive home a few hours later, to find all three children alive (AGAIN) and one quite tired husband! Winner winner! He informed me that number three was a delight, no tears, nothing, not even in the car?? WTF! I almost wanted them to all play up like royal little shits just so he doesn’t think this three kid lark flying solo is easy! Dammit, can’t have it all hey!

So that was my weekend, not my average weekend, but one I certainly would be up for repeating!

Oh totes forgot to mention, I enjoyed KISS extremely loudly in the husband’s company car this afternoon and drove like Colin McRae, just because! Nobody cried, it was EPIC!

Share with me on Facebook, your child free moments! Don’t forget to like, that’s if of course you did!img_2036

My Mummy Wardrobe

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A Mummy wardrobe, to me includes, lots and lots of dull, unattractive and loose fitting clothing, much like my pregnancy wardrobe. Well if I am really honest, that’s including my maternity clothing, because as I write I am even wearing black maternity leggings. You know the ones, with the big stretchy bit at the top for your bump! Mine are currently housing ones jelly like belly. I am a vision of beauty! One lucky husband I have! Not!

I was chatting today to some mums at a baby group and we briefly discussed the unattractive parts of motherhood, such as maternity bras and agreed that her husband also asks “When are you going to buy some nice underwear and not just wear maternity pants and bras”. Phew I am normal! My current excuse for a maternity bra is because mine is one of those feeding ones, which is a must as I’m still breastfeeding. The mummy pants however, there is no excuse for! They are comfortably unattractive, and my arse is still quite sizeable so I don’t envisage it looking too cute in anything Debenhams has to offer right now!

My other half would utter, “I don’t care, I like you just the way you are”, (BLEURGH-PASS ME THE BUCKET) he also says the same about me wearing make up, but he really must go to Specsavers, because I see something completely different when I look in the mirror! Moron.

After you have a baby, nothing prepares you for how shit you feel inside and out! Its no wonder it takes us a long while to feel like ourselves again. For some this may be going back to work and wearing ‘work’ like clothing they used to wear before. Either that or the fact they spend the day with other human adults, drink hot beverages and use their lunch hour browsing the internet uninterrupted. BITCHES.

With my first, I neglected my body for a good year, and focused solely on her. After this I joined Weight Watchers, because I saw a new mummy friend at the time loose weight on it and our children were the same age. This got me thinking, I really want to look that good! I signed up with little motivation and surprised myself, it worked! I felt great. That same year I went back to studying and became a student at a local university. Scared that I wasn’t one of the cool kids, I started to dress more my age (then 23) and less mumsy. The student/mum life balance was so manic that I kept the weight off no problem and certainly felt more ME.

Naturally I am slim built and I am fortune enough to have a good metabolism. So when I say that I need to lose weight at the moment, people look at me and say, your fine, your slim etc. But its not the scale weight I am worried about, its the lovely amount of old clothes I have in my wardrobe I just want to wear again! Losing weight and getting back to ME after a baby is personal. Only you know what feels right for you and as long as your happy and healthy it doesn’t matter what others say or think.

Currently, my choice of style in the morning shows that I lack motivation! I enjoy fashion, but I am not one of those ‘I have to have’ when it comes to clothing. I also have a 23 year old sister who lives and breathes Topshop, so I need not spend a fortune, I can just steal things hopefully without her knowing! Like today! SSSHHH.

But I am bored of wearing the same old jeans, leggings and tops! I have even considered stopping breastfeeding soon as I want to just wear anything that doesn’t have to be pulled down or up! Is that selfish? I would normally stop at 6months, but she is my last baby so I am keeping her forever and ever with me! I am a stone over weight at present which isn’t much but I know when I kiss goodbye to my pregnant butt and face I wont miss it! Is it time to hit the gym or start running, or purchase the lovely Davinas new workout DVD?Problem is I like sitting and eating biscuits too much at the moment. Life’s too short and skinny people are easier to kidnap, or so I hear?!!!

Are you bored of your mummy wardrobe? Tell me what makes you feel more ME on Facebook or here. I love all your comments and likes!

Monster Monopoly

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Because that’s what happens to you when you play this game! You become a shadow of your former self, and not a nice one. The evil in you rears its ugly head. You didn’t even know that you had a competitive side until you played this game. Looks of hatred, aggressive throwing of the dice and back handers galore, all because you don’t want that someone to win!

Well that was me yesterday, I lost three and a half hours of my life to this game! Why is it when you suggest to play Monopoly you forget it is possibly one of the longest board games on the market?

With Monopoly there is always a ‘Wanker Banker’. Know one likes ‘him’, he can be male or female, but I assume he is always male because he is an untrustworthy knob! There is also, ‘Mr Cautious’, he/she takes no risks, definitely doesn’t buy any properties straight away and pretends that his/her submissive self is a game plan, when actually he/she hasn’t got a Scooby Doo. Then there’s ‘Hey Big Spender’, he/she usually buys everything on the board, because its pink, its blue, who cares, because this one loves to buy…oh wait that’s until he/she has no cash left!

Now that just leaves ‘Lucky Bugger’, he/she has the luck of the dice, speeding round the board because he/she rolls only high numbers, lands on a free parking when there is a wad of cash and has money coming out of his/her ears. Now ‘Lucky Bugger’ can sometimes be the banker, and at the point of winning, everyone is convinced he/she cheated at some point in the game! Probably has 500’s up his sleeve!

Monopoly is a game I have played for years, and often at Christmas time. As a child if I didn’t get Mayfair or Park Lane, Id spent the entire game being pissed off, because I wanted the FUCKING PURPLE ONE! My brother always played the game like Alan Sugar, he was all about the investments! I thought this was stupid, because I was always ‘Hey Big Spender’ and drawn to the pretty coloured properties!

My tastes in Monopoly properties have matured somewhat as I’ve grown, I have seen enough games to know the good buys, but I’m indecisive when it comes to hotel building. Community Chess and Chance excites me still! Who else sings “Take CHANCE Take Chance…” Abba style before picking up a card?

Who else gets pissed off if they can’t be the car or the dog? Lets face it because they are the classic favourites right? You rolled the dice but knock all my houses over and my money…BITCH you better watch yourself…see that’s me changing all because of the game!

But I know it’s not just me, as I have seen my two grown up uncles take Monopoly on like its a real life game, getting stroppy when one wont sell the property the other wants, even when the game is over and someone has lost, they remain in deep hatred for each other!

But Sundays experience of Monopoly with my daughter, made me and my husband laugh! She was fierce and I’m a tincy bit proud! Well my nickname from High school was Lion, so I feel I’ve created something quite beautiful there! When you landed on her property, she was right there telling us how much we owed her. She then perfected a funny dance and Usian Bolt stance (dabbing) when things were going her way. When she got paid for passing go, she would say “Make it rain” wafting her money around like she was 50 cent.

Money changes people in Monopoly and its all a bit scary! So chip of the ol block she is, probably because she was fixated on her mother being adamant she wouldn’t let her father win. This is the only time I am competitive with him…oh well maybe when it comes to roast dinners! But he was so irritating with his huge piles of money, and then whacking great hotels on his properties all for my benefit as he couldn’t wait to bankrupt me! I fought to the death, remortgaged all my properties and sold my houses back t0 the bank before caving in! Bastard! He was so bloody smug about it all! Still harping on about it tonight asking for a rematch! Hell no, you had your moment Mr T and little do you know I’m the one bankrupting you in the real world! Revenge is sweet! ; )

Do you love a game of Monopoly? Which character are you? Tell me on Facebook, just so I feel a tiny bit normal and less monster!

Never Again Sleepovers

Well so the husband says, but when have I listened to him! My daughter turned eight today and last night to celebrate I came up with the mad idea of inviting all of the year three girls for a sleepover! Luckily she goes to a small school, so originally that meant eight girls coming, however only 5 could make it so that’s six giggly girls in total!

I am like a child when it comes to birthdays! Every birthday that I have done, there is always a theme! Excluding the first and second birthday. So Imogen, our eldest has had a princess themed party at a play centre age 3, snow white party in a hall age 4, Disney brave gymnastic party age 5, 6 was a  Frozen party parlour party, 7 was a Disney jasmine themed party (she looked the tits-see photo!) and this year was a BFG sleepover.

Call me a hypocrite, and rightly so, because  I moan about those parents Pinteresting their ideas for parenting.  But when it comes to birthdays and well, decorating, I’m right there with my boards! And I must admit, in my prep work for parties I get a bit lost and forget that it is not actually for me!! Oh to be eight again! Every year the finger jelly is usually for me, as are the chocolate fingers, party rings and wotsits!

So all this week, I’ve been a bit slack on the blogging, but what I have been doing is putting together an exciting BFG party/sleepover. I sourced a lot of things from amazon, love that shop. Hassle free shopping is what every parent needs. I also Lidl’d the party food shop too, as I’m loving either Aldi or Lidl at the moment. Funny story, when car shopping at the end of last year my then seven year old keep saying “Mummy why don’t you just get one of those Lidl cars, you like them?”. Priceless, now where is that program kids say the funniest things, at these days?

Anyway so last night five giggly girls arrived at 5pm, and I fed them no end of unhealthy food from pizza, to crisps, to jelly and icecream, later followed by popcorn and smores and some smarties! So really I was asking for it! We played, sorry I mean they played! Musical bumps, statues, classic pass the parcel. Then we made these rather cool dream jars which may I add I came up with all by myself! Basically a jam jar, then tea stained paper to write your dream on, followed by a chalkboard label and then the best bit…an LED coloured light from one of those light up balloons gets popped inside the jar. Voila! Looks just like the film!

I also went a bit overboard, shhh don’t tell the husband because I am not agreeing with him that I went a bit ‘over the top’ and found a BFG monopoly game! It’s actually going to get played with more than once so he can shut the hell up! Oh and we also decorated some fabric bags, which became the party bags which also came with some free fabric pens! See I am a savvy saver me!

I also got some stuff to make bath bombs but we never got time for that! OOPS! Probably because I insisted on lots of games of musical statues in an attempt to wear them out a bit before bed! That did not work. After Nanny McPhee and lots of Lego playing and building, book reading, scary story telling, popcorn eating, at 1pm they were still not tired. After one zillion toilet trips, each accompanied by at least two girls, still they were not tired. After “Sshhh you have woken the little boy up, please be quiet and GO TO SLEEP!”, they were still not tired. I think by 2am they were goners! But it could have been nearer to 3am, because we were asleep by then! Lovely I thought, they will sleep in till 8 at least.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, because the little darlings (can’t say shits as they aren’t mine) were up at 6.30am!! They awoke with a paranormal amount of energy! So I survived the next four and a half hours on caffeine and chocolate croissants until they all went home. I later unstuck the popcorn from the carpet, removed the bubble gum from the carpet (that was my daughter!) and tried hard not to suck the Shopkins up the hoover.

Aww phew, I thought this morning, it’s over, I survived, well we survived, the husband uttered the words “Never again!”. I doubt in her lifetime that, that will be the only sleepover she will ever have, we just need him to forget about his tiredness first!

So now that the Birthday and Sleepover are over I am already thinking about next years party! I must be mad! As stressful as all the planning, cake making, catering and decorating is I hope that one day all my children will look back at the birthdays and remember fondly. To me, memories are most important on birthdays and not the presents you receive. And for that reason, I’m IN! Birthdays parties forever! Until they only want to go out and do shots! SOB SOB!

Share with me your birthday thoughts on Facebook.

Just another manic Tuesday

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I am usually always home on Tuesdays, due to there being zero baby groups on that day. So I force myself to clean the house and catch up on what I couldn’t do over the weekend and don’t intend on doing the rest of the week! It is boring as shit! No one in their right mind likes housework?! Every morning, I wake up and look around me, and I’m like… surely not this shit again? Some how every day I summon up the bastard energy from I don’t know where and get on with it!

But the endless tasks are so unfulfilling. For example, washing clothes, those I can get up to date with pretty quickly during the day. I can clean the kitchen, hoover, clean the floor, in fact the entire house, tidy, clean the bathrooms and so on. But then those messy little buggers, come home and the house looks a burglary all over again.

So I spend the evening doing almost exactly what I have done during the day, or what I can manage before the children go to sleep and then wake up again to the same old tasks. You could really lose your mind over housework, because it a head fuck! Where are the bastard fairies? If I could have a daily housekeeper for two hours in the morning and two hours in the evening, this parenting lark I could do with my eyes closed!

With our first baby I remember thinking that my husband, then baby daddy, was pretty useless (on the chore front). He didn’t get nowhere near as involved with housework as he does now! I’ve trained him up pretty well in the last….erm bear with, just counting the years up…12 years is it, that we have been together? Without him, I’m not sure how I would manage!

We now live in a bungalow and whilst I love the spacious rooms for every kind of ride on toy you can imagine, the mess goes everywhere! Toothpaste ends up in the lounge, because number two has a habit of sucking it. Tonight I found a toy car in our shower and well shoes, also number twos fetish, they can be found in every room. I must not forget to thank my children for keeping me fit however, pretty sure I do some steps in this bungalow. Really should get one of those Fit Bits but haven’t a clue how to use it!

So Tuesdays, I spend far more time cleaning than id like and fit in playing in between all the things I have to do, whilst Paw Patrol entertains number two! Bad parent alert! If I toted up the hours spent cleaning, tidying and cooking it would certainly out number the time I spend playing with them! Sucks.

So today, I spent a minuscule time attempting to do some colouring with number two, however he was more amused by taking the pen lids on and off then chucking the pens one by one on the floor. I then pulled out the large cars from the conservatory for number two to enjoy and he used all of them in turn as ride ons under the kitchen table. He didn’t appear to want me to join in at all, in fact I think he quite likes what I term ‘our boring Tuesdays’ at home as he gets to enjoy all his toys and endless Paw Patrol.

Then after school on Tuesdays we have a swimming slot at a private pool which we share with friends. Sounds uber posh. But it’s just someone’s pool attached to their house where four families go and split the cost. Its pretty good because it works out about £5 a time, you can undress at the side of the pool, no need for 50p for a locker and when I’m struggling to manage all three, I have some lovely helpers!

All three enjoy the swimming, and I love seeing the kids faces, jumping in and out of the pool, especially since number two can say “one, twoo, freeee”. I love seeing my friends and having a natter whilst getting splashed in the face by my eldest practising her mushroom bombs. But what I don’t love is the race to get dressed after! I allow 15 mins at the end of our hour slot, which seems like a lot, but number one has to shower and get in her onezie after. This involves repeating a lot of hurry ups and swearing in my head and maybe under my breath! I juggle dressing the baby and putting her back in her car seat whilst trying to keep number two from jumping back into the pool fully clothed. He is fascinated by water, unnervingly so!

Getting changed after swimming is much easier in the summer, when you are wearing just one garment, like a dress. Every Tuesday in the winter I’m swearing because I am wearing skinny  bloody jeans again and its like the episode of friends with Ross and them leather pants! Talc is no help and all, because with the heat at the side of the pool I have doubled in weight and so have my thighs!

So I feel actual relief when I have got back to my car with all three children alive, and all our wet swimming gear, hopefully not forgetting anyone’s goggles!  Then on the drive back home which only takes about ten minutes, my eldest talks at me, haven’t a clue what she is saying as I respond, “mmm, yer” because all I am thinking is, “What is the quickest tea I can cook, or should we just go to the chippy?”.

The picture above was from today, in those few moments I had to play! What’s your manic day of the week? Do you enjoy swimming with kids? Like, share or tag someone who does on Facebook.

Tears, Tantrums and Public

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Small children are irritatingly unpredictable. Despite your careful teachings of right and wrong and careful demonstrating of acceptable behaviour, the little devils ignore your efforts whenever the fancy takes them.

That is because small children are like ticking time bombs, for example, just removing all of the skin off the banana when they wanted it half on, could be the start of world war three. BOOM. The eruption of tears could last for hours, on and off, it could be accompanied by kicking, most definitely screaming and all because you did something wrong! Story of our lives hey? When do we actually get it right?

Today I actually managed to motivate my arse and my children all out of the door by 9.30am to attend a baby group! I was not the only parent today with the same idea, to mix with other human adults, drink hot tea and perhaps leave their house resembling a burglary. Well maybe that’s just me!The baby group was ram packed and on arrival I spotted this girl of about three screaming in the middle of the room, whole body on the floor, crying “Mummy,mummy, mummy”.

Mummy looked like she had her shit together, perhaps a little stressed but who wouldn’t be. The mummy wasn’t giving in, and neither was the little girl, till eventually after a good fifteen minutes on the floor crying, the organiser persuaded her to come off the floor and go over to her mummy. After a cuddle and a good talking to, this mother stayed with her at the group partaking in activities with her. I didn’t know what had happened but I wasn’t bothered, because we have all been there and I myself would probably have left in embarrassment shortly after, but this mum did not! High five to her.

This got me thinking that my pre parent self would have judged that mother for “Not doing her job properly”, or at the very least I would have come up with at least two other strategies I would have tried if I were a parent! Bollocks. Because now as a parent, I am less concerned by a child throwing a spectacular tantrum for all to see, and far more concerned about how in that moment that mother may be feeling. She could just be having one of them days, or even weeks, were she feels nothing she is doing is quite right and everything is simply wrong!

Now as a parent I would certainly not give a disapproving look to another person in front of this mother or even tut or mutter under my breath, but I know there certainly are people out there who would still take things at face value. We too often in our daily lives judge a situation as an onlooker and not as a thinker.

One situation for me sticks in my head and I will never forget my friend for telling me this as it still makes me angry to this day and I really wish I was with her when it happened.

A friend of mine in her teens had a baby. Shocker, Not really it happens, it’s not often ideal, but she has done an amazing job with her child just as many other young mums have. Sorry for using the young mum label, I do hate that, as it often seems to be used as a weapon to demean a mothers ability due to her age.

Anyway back to the story, my friend told me that she was in a queue in a shop and her newborn baby would not stop crying and crying and she couldn’t settle him for love nor money. The more he cried the more flustered she got. She waited until she had reached the till as she really needed to purchase something from the pharmacy. Then as she turned her back to exit the shop, pushing her newborn in the pram an older lady said “See, those young girls shouldn’t have children”, or some words to that effect.

My friend explained to me that she heard this comment, loud and clear but didn’t utter a word, just keep walking out of the shop and when she turned the corner, her eyes filled with tears. When she told me a few weeks later, I was so angry and upset for her that I wanted to have been there so I could punch that silly woman square in the face and then hug my friend!

It really gets to me that people can be so ignorant and hurtful with words, and judge a mothers capabilities by the fact her child was crying! Children cry. Fact. And sometimes for no reason at all! They are irrational at times and show us up to appear incompetent, when of course we are not! This mother I am talking about, is far from all of those things, infact she so ruddy good at the job she makes it appear effortless. She is fun mum! I admire her a lot.

So today just got me thinking about all those moments where my little darlings have shown me up, got me all flustered in public, making me look all flappy and untogether. We are all at some point as parents caught off guard! We just need to remind ourselves, we got this shit! The onlookers don’t know that and why should we care. Just pity their ignorance and feel sad for them, that they judge too often with their narrow minds. I would hate to be that stupid.

Tell me about your child/ren showing you up? Have you had any, ‘I want to punch you square in the face’, moments with members of the public? Share with me on Facebook, or just like this post after reading!

 

Skidding on your knees

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Skidding up and down on a worn out dance floor on your knees is an untaught art, which this weekend number two perfected. It seems for an almost two years old, there is nothing more exciting in this world than a spacious room, shiny floor and tightly blown balloons. Not to mention a buffet of sugary delights perfectly positioned at tip toe height,an easy steal when your out out with your “off duty”parents.

This weekend has been an eventful one with two family birthdays, terribly unhealthy food and two ridiculously late nights. On Friday night, my husband and I looked at each other exhausted and I asked “Can you be bothered tonight?”, “No, not really, you?” he replied! ,”Same!”. It wasn’t that we didn’t want to go out, it’s just getting out of the house on a Friday evening when we both are used to getting in our PJs early and chilling in front of the telly requires serious energy. Not to mention getting three children dressed up for evening and delaying their tea time by three hours! Not an easy task!

To avoid hangry children (hungry and angry) we had to allow the little devils lots of snacks before leaving the house. We also decided upon bathing the grubby little mites before we left also, which confused number two somewhat. After his bath (favourite time of the day) when he realised he wasn’t being dressed in PJs for the night, he perked up wearing a smart shirt, smiling away and stroking his clothing! He knew he was going OUT OUT!

The whole getting ready to go out with kids takes an age, so we started this about two hours before leaving the house. Leaving just 5 minutes for mummy and daddy to change clothes, slap some make up on over the top of day make up and spray something that doesn’t smell like Wotsits or baby sick.

Despite arriving at the Chinese late again, I was just thankful we made it out of the door and no one cried, pooed or hit another. Smug we were, all dressed up, about to enjoy a lovely Chinese buffet…Yey, no cooking or washing up, what a treat.

Well this would have been as wondrous as it sounds if it wasn’t for the very grouchy just been immunised four-month old who would not be put down. Together with the fidgety, “I will only sit on daddy’s lap”and eat prawn crackers number two! So Daddy who has not perfected the one arm eating just as neat as mummy, experienced fine dining with his best pal one-armed. And I ate just like any other meal time one armed, however crispy seaweed was a no go as that shit went everywhere. Chicken satay on a skewer however wasn’t too tricky!

We could almost forget we came with another child as our eldest was face full in food, enjoy the spinning table top, fizzy and poking people with her chopsticks! This was part one of our weekend and the wee ones got to bed Friday evening at 11pm. I think Mummy and Daddy were more tired than all three children put together. So off to bed we all went when we got home, except small one, because baby Ruby clearly thought she hadn’t seen enough of Mummy and Daddy for one night.

Saturday morning, we did what most parents do, continual housework and chores. However this had to be a thorough job as we had guests staying over that night! Balls, tidy the shit out of our house we did at 100mph, squeeze in a Saturday food shop! I usually avoid that at all costs but there really aren’t enough hours in the day! Then I even went home to bake 48 cupcakes I stupidly agreed to and make some coleslaw for the party later!

Whilst baking I thought that this all seemed a good idea in my head, but could not envisage us getting all out of the house on time, with cakes in hand. After covering myself, the kitchen and the cupboards in icing sugar, I started the whole process of getting the children ready again to go out in their party gear, leaving yet again the last 5/10 minutes for Mummy and Daddy to get dressed, squirted (Oi, Oi) and brushed.

I  actually felt exhausted in the car on the way over to Felixstowe for the surprise party. Number two was excited again, that he wasn’t in PJs for a second night. He kept saying “Dinner, Dinner” in the back of the car, as I suspect he thought he was in for another Chinese buffet!

We arrive at the hall just in time not to ruin the whole surprise surprise bit, Phew! Number twos eyes light up as he spots the huge room, filled with balloons and disco lights! It takes him no time at all to circle the entire room, running as fast as his little legs will take him, or not…as he falls over, dusts himself off and repeats this again and again and again! YES!!! He is amused, so that’s one child lost for the evening! Next, I look over to number one, who is excitedly dressed up for the evening even wearing a spot of make up. She spots her cousin,runs over to her, and that’s another one gone for the evening! GET IN!

WAAHHHHH. Oh, well that’s grumpy post immunised baby in my arms for the remainder of the evening then! Splendid! All was well however as there was a chocolate fountain conveniently just behind were I had chosen to sit, what were the chances!If I’m not drinking tonight, then the diets off and I am going to consume my body weight in sugar whilst the husband does the same in beer.

The DJ arrived and it was karaoke on the cards, all a bit awkward and cringe to start! Luckily there were quite a few children willing to give it a go, and even my often shy number one went up twice!! So proud! She wasn’t half bad, either! The husband however, got stitched up and despite the alcohol looked awkward as fuck up there! He is not one for the limelight! I videoed this rare moment, just in case I never see it again.

The music was blaring, and I had a face full of chocolate and could genuinely not have been happier…..well maybe with a glass of wine in hand instead of the baby in my arms! But hey! I looked at the dance floor and number one and two, looked ridiculously cute, dancing away having the time of their lives and I started thinking about when I was that small!

I remember loving an evening out with my family for a party, it was all about the outfit, glitter mascara in your hair, tights you would only wear once because you would pull them and sticky lip-gloss. I would love a buffet as my parents would never actually see that I was just eating crisps and chocolate as they were too busy drinking or nattering. Everyone was relaxed and happy on those occasions and you would often get carried to bed at the end of the night! Awesome! How things have changed!

Despite this time being the parent, I thought to myself that night how lucky we are to have the most gorgeous and clever little fuckers ever. They simply are delightful and appear easy as anything on evenings like this. How precious these moments are, for us as parents to watch them excitedly skid the entire dance floor length, enjoy every sugar high and think they looks the bees knees in their party clothes! In that moment I didn’t mind the tables had turned and I am now the adult. I just want to bottle those moments, of pride, love and laughter. So I can become ridiculously rich NAH!, just so I can remember it when I’m back at home, their swinging from the lights, and I’m rocking in the corner not coping with life!

What are your bottle me up moments? Tell me here or on Facebook! If this reminds you of a family gathering, tag your friends or family on Facebook asking them to read and share.

Wannabe Fun Mum

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Who is she? She sounds exciting right? Yep, she is pretty dreamy because she doesn’t actually exist as one whole person. But I long to be her, as I see her all around me. She appears effortlessly fun, she gives me ideas and everyone wants to be around her. Her children appear in awe of her and she somehow keeps throwing new ideas at them and games to try. She is attentive, present and energetic. She is everything I am not.

She is my friend not my enemy, but when I am near her I cant help but feel inadequately boring.

So fun mum, oh fun mum, how can I be like you?

I get so fucked off when I try to be like you?

It is not effortless to be fun.

I am not so energetic like you, I can hardly go for a run!

I am not good at messy play. Or any fun at the farm rolling around in a pile of hay.

I like things all neat and in order. I am just not some crazy craft cupboard hoarder.

I don’t keep the recycling to turn it into, say a bike? although being crafty mum is something id quite like.

If I could be you for a day, I would be more creative about play.

Make believe, I think I can do, but the problem is, I’m just not you.

Are you surrounded by fun mums’? Much more playful than you? Perhaps you are already fun mum! This is not me, however, I think by number three I’m slacking somewhat. Constantly judging myself by the efforts I made with number one. I was much more about the messy play, the educational, but fun games with number one. I didn’t mind all the careful planning, by that I mean trawling of Pinterest and making albums of fun things to do together.

As a working mum of three, things are different now. I had a whole year off with my first child. She had a playroom full of toys just for her. She was spoilt with attention and love and if she wasn’t with me at a group, id try to keep our day at home interesting with some craft type activity, baking or painting. To fill the time I do educational things, phonics, puzzles and even singing. I tried so hard to be perfect, I eventually forgot I was even trying. I just thought that, this was what all mums did at home with their children.

Crazy, because I am simply a shadow of my former self! I don’t try nowhere near as hard with the other two. So number one is lucky, she wont remember fun mum, but I’m pretty sure I documented this through Bragbook as it was known then! Despite my views of how to parent changing over the years, I still feel with my ‘looseness’, that I have become a bit lazy and unattentive! Or maybe, just normal! You decide!

With number two I spend more time worrying and feeling guilty that I am not putting in as much effort as he is too often entertained by Nick Jr and his sister. I made an effort this summer to be ‘fun mum’, and heavily pregnant after 6 weeks this left me exhausted. Again, I thought to myself, why do I try so hard! I do all these crazy activities and take them out and about forgetting to actually enjoy myself and be in the moment! Sometimes I feel it has been a better result to sit back and absorb, as I am always too busy ‘doing’!

Time is flying, and I am more conscious of this as I am watching my last baby grow up : (.

So whilst I’m not on Pinterest much these days, and I seem to get less time for ‘fun’. I still realise its importance to me as a mother, as I don’t want them to remember that I was always to busy cleaning! I think there are some benefits to number two having less prepared play by me, as he is much more self-sufficient and creative in his own way. His nature dictates play is HIS way or no way most of the time, so with him I follow more than I lead. With number one I did most of the leading. Whichever is best I don’t know. But I’m learning to think more about their interests, strengths and abilities where before I just did what I thought looked fun. Mind you everyone likes chocolate crispy cakes don’t they?

So fun mum exists. She is there. She is possibly one of ‘those’ mums. The thing is her likability factor (say that again in a Louis Walsh voice from X Factor) is so, that I think I could be her. So I am not going to lie, I’ll keep on trying! Because every mum is a tryer! But Ill try more to watch, enjoy and absorb, because they wont be this fun forever.

 

101 Things I Wish I Knew…

 

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….before becoming a first time mum. These are mine, here goes:-

  1. Being pregnant is like wearing a weighted rubber ring around your middle, now try putting your shoes on.
  2. Midwives will monitor your every move.
  3. Health visitors assess your whereabouts and the company you keep.
  4. Labour is messy, you could actually poo.
  5. Lots of blood in labour doesn’t mean you’re dying, but you could actually die.
  6. Labour from start to finish is often long, and one charged I phone is not enough to see you through.
  7. Gas and air is amazing and you and your new friend will not want to part ways.
  8. Tea and toast after you have a baby is the best thing on earth.
  9. Meconium poo is really quite frightening.
  10. After you have a baby they like to measure your wee, still not sure why?
  11. Midwives will then ask you about your bowel movements before you leave the hospital.
  12. Having a poo after a baby initially and for days after is like labour all over again without pain relief…until you find Anusol.
  13. Weeing in a bath is a game changer too.
  14. During the night you may wake up covered in sweat.
  15. Breastmilk can soak through an entire top.
  16. Your boobs will become impressive fire hoses.
  17. No fireman however will come to your rescue.
  18. You will for once in your life look like Pamela Anderson.
  19. Breastfeeding initially feels like those clamp things attached to your nipple you once attached to a battery pack in a science lesson at school.
  20. People do not stop texting you when you are about to or have had a baby
  21. Everyone starts knitting.
  22. Your photo gallery fills up pretty quickly with sleeping baby pictures.
  23. Sleep is gone for what feels like forever.
  24. Colic is the biggest bitch alive.
  25. Your nice firm pregnant belly is replaced with a wobbly plate of jelly.
  26. It’s all about the comfortable pants and maternity bras.
  27. You will argue with your partner about every aspect of parenting.
  28. You will also kill your partner with one look if he dares utter “I’m so tired”.
  29. Venturing out of the house with just your keys and phone will never happen again.
  30. Cbeebies becomes your friend, lifesaver and best babysitter ever.
  31. You will be able to sing the theme tune for at least five kids programmes but couldn’t name one person in the top ten.
  32. You cannot locate a handbag, you’re not even sure the last time you had one.
  33. Unworn clothes will sit in the wardrobe at lot longer than you expected.
  34. You could now cry other the smallest things.
  35. You have never experienced exhaustion like this before.
  36. Anxiety may cause you to have irrational thoughts.
  37. Old people in shops talk to you now.
  38. “How old”, they may ask “Are they twins?” they could ask.
  39. At least 100 times you will be told “Make the most of it”.
  40. You will discuss nappy and wipe brands with your new mummy friends.
  41. You will spend two to three years discussing teething.
  42. Weaning seems like fun until you realise a diet on milk requires much less mess and planning.
  43. You will become fixated on poo, when did they last poo? is that poo normal?
  44. You will argue over nappy changing.
  45. Holding a baby is nice for a bit, but at six months your arms just ache and you become incapacitated.
  46. You get excited for every milestone, but when they reach it your sad that time has passed so quickly.
  47. Crawling seemed like a fun stage, but your twitchy and anxious at every other persons house.
  48. You will never sit down.
  49. Hot drinks become like dinosaurs.
  50. The dinner time is no longer enjoyable and often cold.
  51. You fantasize about having some free time and how you might use it.

 

You didn’t think Id right all 101 did you? Now if you could all help with the next 50, that be great! You only have to share one with me here on WordPress or Facebook?