Elf but no shelf

imageOh shit its 21.43 and I’ve just remembered that we promised number one that the elf on the bastard shelf would be arriving tonight! If she wasn’t so excited I don’t think I would of badgered the other half to venture up into the loft at this ungodly hour (I am ready for bed).

Going into the loft is a complicated task, once which needs careful thought and planning, because in this house (well bungalow but I am still calling it a house as I sound about 60 otherwise) stuff sits in an annoying pile in the hallway for many many weeks before eventually making its way up there!

I am not sure what it is about the loft, because its always a ‘weekend job’, yet its not really that difficult to open a hatch and pull a bloody ladder down…well I say this yet I never ever do this, for fear the ladder may drop on ones head! So its a ‘man job’ and I hate saying this because I feel there are no rightful jobs for men or women and that household chores should be equal, despite whose at work blah blah blah. Anyway, I use this phrase when referring to the loft and taking the bins out! Because basically I am shit scared of spiders and the ever so wobbly ladder makes me certain I will fall and break something!

So ‘man job’ it may be,  it is happening right now because otherwise I wont sleep! Now time for me to waste a ridiculous amount of time or what is left of the evening on ‘tinternet’ searching for some unique ideas because we parents are competitive and enjoying displaying such accomplishments on social media. Where to put a bloody elf when we don’t have any such shelf! Bastard Elf.


ME time…or a mountain…

What is that I hear you ask? I am not exactly sure as its been a while and a girly afternoon at the Christmas fair on Sunday with Ruby on Boobie doesn’t count!

I am not asking for a lot, just some time to recharge my batteries and restore my sanity! When you have a newborn baby your evenings are lost for what seems like forever, but my experience tells me it returns around the time that they start to sleep through or at least wake just once in the night. I am many months away from this milestone yet. I’ve only served three months for my crime. AWWW (ponders longingly) but those evenings where I would maybe drink some wine, watch crap on telly whilst observing my huge ironing pile thinking I really must do some of that soon…I miss that.

I miss my less jellified belly too, dry bras and undisturbed toilet trips, but hey I’ll get over it! Perhaps its my fault for not moaning enough (As if…I hear my husband shout!) about going out. I haven’t even got that noisy cow pumping breast machine back out for fear ill get the dreaded mastitis again (I’ve been unfortunate enough to get this at least 3 times with number one and two). I just feel like I need a big fuck off mountain on top of my house (which wont take too long to climb as I am permanently nucking fackered) so I can go up there say three times a day just to scream one really long ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, then I can compose myself and walk back into the house!

But really I want ME time, but I am not sure of what kind, maybe the cinema with a friend or a Costa a hot one that is…mmmmm, but I really do worry about the buggers when I am not here, especially Ruby on the Boobie, she needs milk hourly atm! FML….now where’s that fucking mountain?


Bastard Car Journeys…

It’s that time of year, when you really want to get Christmas shopping over and done with, well after you have argued with your other half about who you are/are not buying for again this year. Three kids tightly squeezed into one Vauxhall insignia, one hugely heavy changing bag packed with a gazillion nappies and outfit changes (just in case of a poonami situation) and one blissfully unaware husband of how painstaking journeys with all three can be.

It’s an hour to Norwich, and what a beautiful city it is, full of every possible shop to suit all your awkward relatives tastes, not to mention enough restaurants for us to deliberate which one we will go to one day without kids…yer, like that will happen! Ruby (my number three) currently on boobie, starts the journey with a beautiful orchestrated cry, which after 10 minutes down the road we both realised was not going to end. Maddox (our very mad and energetic number two) moans because he is horrendously tired from being awake half the night (still not sure why, teething?tummy ache? poorly? teething again?). And well theres Imogen (spoilt number one, loved by all grandparents and talks far too much) asks one hundred questions, like where are we going? when will we get there? whats for lunch?

I watch my husband breathe in deeply and we try to ignore the background noise and talk about who we are having/not having for Christmas, a.k.a I say everyone and he says no one! Really he is such a people person! He then says “Lets see if she (Ruby) can cry all the way to Norwich, then she will be really tired and sleep all the way back and we can have a peaceful car journey home”. In my head I am thinking “No, you clueless dimwit, it doesn’t work like that! She is hungry or has wind, either way you HAVE NO IDEA”. Most of my thoughts around our different parenting ideas/styles end with YOU HAVE NO IDEA and then more than likely a GRRRR under my breath, followed by “Nothing darling”.

So first stop is no not Norwich, but an overpriced Co-op because, we are super unorganised and need to get some lunch, I am still yet to do an online food shop! Whilst my darling husband goes inside to choose what to get, I feed Ruby some boobie…well I attempt to and then she screamed, so it’s clearly wind…pat…pat…pat..BURP and then he returns to the car. So the husband unpacks the overpriced 5p bag and gets out the goods and gives to child number one Imogen as child number two Maddox is asleep, and then I ask “What did you get me?” He responds with “You said you didn’t want anything”, I argue “No I did not” etc and this results in him going back into the overpriced local and finally getting me some (rather rank) ‘lunch’!

Munch munch in the back from child number one as she takes food seriously and is only ever truly happy when she is eating, WAHHHHHH from Ruby on boobie, “I thought you fed her” says the husband, “SHE HAD WIND”I shout. More WAHHHHH from  child number three who appears to hate the car just as much as child number two does (Thank the baby Jesus he is still asleep!). So we decide to stop in a lay by another 10 minutes up the road to now feed Ruby the boobie. Excellent what a great idea then the rest of the journey will be a piece of cake right? since child car hater number two is asleep! No…no fucking chance as delightful child number one wakes child number two up, who is extremely grumpy and wants to be asleep so more of this WAHHHHHHH.

“Shall we just go home” utters the husband, me “Hell no, we are going shopping I am not sitting at home listening to this”, So she feeds, we give child number two his overpriced sandwich and off we go! An hours journey took about two in total, but we made it, we shopped and came home two hours later, because any longer with kids in tow would have been painful!

Car journeys are horrendous at present, I do try to zone out, and sometimes turn the music up a bit to drown them out but quite frankly its painful, exhausting and leads me and the husband to ask “WHY?”. Why on earth did we procreate! Moments like this when things really come to a head are often later forgotten with, “Awww look how cute they are together“…well usually when they are asleep…or quiet for once!

This reminds me, with a three-month old baby aren’t we due a night out soon?!!!










First blog post

Surely a first post should be cleverly constructed, grammatically correct (yeah right!) insightful and a bit witty? Well here’s the thing…I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Not just here, but mainly in my day to day parenting. I am not alone, I am married or co parenting, whatever you like to call it, but lets face it, parenting is the longest and loneliest job in the world at times.

So my intention here through this thing called a ‘blog’ is to help fellow parents, survivorship through sisterhood! Lets share and air all the crapyness of parenting, the day to day bores, the monotony, the joys, those teary eyed moments and most importantly help each other to feel and say its ok to not be ok.

No woman or man here is your enemy, we are all in that same sinking ship so be kind people.