Mothers Day in this house means the only day in the year that the husband attempts to fill my very large shoes. I am pretty sure he secretly dreads the burden of this day. It is the only day of the year that I don’t have to pre agree a lay in, the only day of the year for me that this is a given. The only day of the year, I do everything at an extremely slow pace and utter to words “Go ask Daddy”, “Daddy will help”. The only day of the year he shoots me with the death stares and says;”I Fucking hate you”, under his breath. The tables have turned and I cruelly relish in every moment, because Mothers day for me, is a small insight into a mans world.
Being an onlooker at this thing called fatherhood, I played out what I think this role may look like. For example this morning I had a lay in, had breakfast and a full cup of HOT tea in bed. I then kindly pointed out to the husband when I have smelt something suspicious and watched him gag and moan about the never ending pooey nappies. Poor old Cinders, aka Daddy Pig has had to wash up after breakfast, go on a dummy hunt and remember teeth and hair brushing. Poor old Daddy Pig has also had to have breakfast last, shower last and even ask Mummy Pig to watch the kids whilst he takes a shit!
Mummy Pig has enjoyed her lay in, eating some of Daddy Pigs homemade pancakes and opening all of the homemade cards, where one even read; “I hope that you become queen”! Little does my lovely eight year old know, I am already the queen of this household.
So the Queen watched the King in training, look overwhelmed by the amount of paraphernalia by the door which required packing into the car before setting off on our journey to the beach. The Queen also cleverly shouted out her requests by rewording them to helpful questions like “Have you got the blankets?”, “Have you got their dummys?”, just so she could watch the King stressfully nip in and out of every room and up and down the hallway in blind panic as he clearly questioned “Have I got everything?”.
The Queen is used to running a tight schedule however today and all set for Southwold we were clearly on the Kings time. The King had forgotten about lunchtime in 20 minutes time, and the journey is at least one hour and thirty minutes in length to the beach. The clearly inexperienced King informed the hopeful Queen that despite going for a picnic he hadn’t yet purchased any items for the picnic! Some time later, the Queen noticed that the route chosen by the King was through town and avoiding all main roads. “I thought you would like the scenic route” announced the amateur King! Bless, how sweet thought the Queen but at the same time she started to think that the amateur King was a bit of a dimwit. Firstly, no clue as to what to pack and then secondly leaving so close to lunchtime with no prepared picnic and thirdly adding precious time onto what could be hangry hell!
Well fuck me, he pulled it off with three portions of quite possibly the best fish and chips in Suffolk followed by £20 worth of every item of picnic food and even Ella’s Kitchen squeezey pouches for the small one. No one cried, screamed or did a poonami. The King’s apprenticeship has come to an end and he has passed with a distinction, its fair to say.
We had a very chilly Mothers Day walk along Southwold beach today , a wee play in the sand with the mad ones JCB diggers, a few attempts at some pictures with Iphones that kept dying and a Costa on route home in the car! Not to mention they all slept all the way home!! I’m not sure these are my children, but don’t tell anyone because Id like to keep these little darlings!
Mothers Day is quite an affair for those mothers with other half’s. It could be called “Fathers be Mothers for a Day”. For those single mothers, hats off as always because I don’t know if they ever really get a well deserved day off. For army wives too, hats off to you, especially when they have the added worry of a husband on tour. For lesbian couples also, Id like to ask, “Who actually looks after the kids?”, surely someone loses out on a day off? I don’t know, but what I do know, is I am glad I am this Mother, in this household, with this husband, my very own KING!