Its OK, not to be OK.

Abbie

Please forgive my lack of blogging as you will see since I returned back to work in June this year, I have only managed to write once and that was during the summer holidays when I was officially off work for six weeks!

Since then I have also done something crazy and enrolled in a masters degree full time! This means I spend my precious Saturdays sitting in lectures and my evenings studying and ignoring the other half. Sometimes this is actually quite good, as he seems to enjoy many uninterrupted episodes of something Marvel on the telly and it is quite peaceful sitting in my room alone amongst lots of books and journal articles. In writing this I realise we are two massive geeks, clearly made for each other!

But all has not been great, and I have been wanting to blog about this for a while as a bit of therapy and to get a bit of advice of how is it possible to get some sort of work life balance? I am reluctantly writing this because I feel that it might just help someone as ridiculous as me, who might push themselves too far without realising they are not unbreakable.

I really wanted to start back after a period of absence with a funny, witty blog, but sadly I have not felt too chirpy of late, and if I am honest this had been brewing since I returned to work after the six week holiday.

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I had lost the excitement in my new role, despite there being so many things in the pipeline to look forward too. Strangely, university didn’t make me feel this way. I have enjoyed the escape of being a working mum, studying and being in a lecture on Saturdays is just for me, and I refuse to just give it up!

My stubbornness has got me into a bit of a pickle, as I found myself feeling more and more just…MEH! That’s really the only way I could describe it. This MEH feeling, became a bit bigger what with Christmas around the corner and then the one lovely lady I would tell all my MEH feelings too, isn’t here anymore and that is still so painfully raw that as I type my eyes just fill up!

Grief, is the worst emotion I have ever experienced in my life, and I wish I had the power to protect all my love ones from ever having to go through this. Even though its been over a year, at times like Christmas, it is just heightened that there is always going to be someone missing from your family, and that is shitter than shit.

So not really understanding how the hell grief creeps up on you, I just carried on giving a strong facade and juggled the zillion balls that are now called being a mother, a ‘good wife’, a student and a support worker!

I can only describe my ‘meltdown’ to the feeling of being drowned and overwhelmed! Overcome with emotion one Tuesday evening after work when the kids were in bed and the husband was away with work, I cried all night that my eyes were swollen and puffy by the morning.

In this moment, I couldn’t understand why I had come to a head, I felt suffocated by my own choices and so overwhelmed that I couldn’t see a way out.  I was angry that ultimately I had done this to myself, what an idiot. Everyone thinks I am super strong, my friends are always joking that I am superwoman and so determined by the way I challenge myself, how wrong were they? Because all I felt was weak.

I spent the rest of the week crying on and off and those that know me well, know that I am also quite an ice queen. Who is this person? I barely recognised myself and I couldn’t think straight about a single thing.

I am leaving some details about what happened the week after for myself, but the short of it is that I was signed off for almost the entire month and for a person that supports other people in her job through ‘difficult’ times, that was such a hard thing to admit. Defeat. No good to anyone.

Strangely through all the tears and just MEH feeling, being around the children was the best bit. I was able to function as a mum and knew I could still do that well, so that really helped! Also being such a social butterfly after a few weeks I still saw some friends. My husband and I were lucky enough to be invited to a ball by some very good friends and that helped soooo much. Possibly because of the alcohol, but I like to think it was the dressing up in a sparkly ball gown and dancing like I was 18 again!

So rather nervously, I have outpoured the shittest time I have probably overcome so far in my 31 years (yikes), but I almost feel over it and the better for it. Having experienced this has made me realise, nobody is superwoman.

The fact that I didn’t save myself before breaking, I now see was the best thing to have happened as I can now see where I need to slow down and prioritise what is and what isn’t possible.

I still have decisions to make in the new year, but I am in no rush to make any. In sharing this ‘story’ I hope you can realise too, that it really is “Ok not to be ok”.

Please comment and share any experiences you may have had. X

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Its OK, not to be OK.

  1. Nikki Randall says:

    Abbie, I completely relate to what you are saying here and you are so brave to be so honest. As a single mum of 2 who has recently started working full time and goes to college alongside it, I too have been feeling overwhelmed and trying to figure out how the hell I am meant to manage everything. There is not enough to time in a day. I feel like my children have stopped being my priority and I hate myself for it. But I keep telling myself that working and getting qualified is what’s best for them in the long run because I can provide better for them but I doubt they could give a shit about that. They just want me around more. It’s hard. I have to believe I am doing the right thing. As you say “melt downs” happen to me a lot. Keep surviving. You are amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

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