“Shout out to my friends, your really quite the best”


What a week already. I have been fortunate enough to see lots of mummy friends already this week and share our love of ‘moaning’, because ‘us’ women love nothing better than to moan, right?! I have also managed about 5 full cups of HOT tea, a Costa (where number two kicked off royally) and even painted my toe nails! That is quite some week already!

After having a mummy meltdown on Monday due to a lack of sleep and hormonal hell, things are now much better after talking to my mum friends who don’t pretend parenting is a wonderful walk in the park. It is about as refreshing as a vodka, lemonade and lime (my ‘old’ tipple) to hear the words, “Don’t you just wake up in the morning and think this is shit”. Followed by, “Don’t you look at your partner and hate them for going out to work”. Followed by “Food shopping alone, is my ME time”.

I can relate to all three of those statements, and I hope you can too! Don’t get me wrong, some mornings I wake up so exhausted than when I went to bed so I often feel glad I don’t have to go to work! Especially on days like these lovely sunny ones we have been treated too recently, I am uber grateful that I am on maternity leave and able to do whatever I like with the children. It is however just a few days, where I am uttering, “FML, Kill me now, not this shit again…”.

My week so far started with food shopping at Aldi at 9am on Monday morning, Ugh! But the sun was shining so I was in a good mood, and decided against the baby group so I could instead spend time in the garden with number two and three. Number three, enjoyed commando crawling on the grass in the sun whilst number two enjoyed pissing about with the water butt and kicked off when I said “NO” to him playing with a rusty saw. I no, right? I am evil.

Tuesday was my cleaning day, but I had planned to meet friends in town at Costa. So I rushed around cleaning what I could before I left the house, leaving a baby swing and Toy Story 2 to babysit the little ones. Just as I arrived in town and parked the car number two demanded to walk. I of course gave in for a quiet life, and balanced shopping for a few bits with a huge double buggy which now seemed unnecessary and a very fast Maddox on his Little Life reins. Shopping for cards in WH Smith was a little tricky, he kept saying “Monkey” and pointing at a toy Gruffalo until he spotted “Trickle”. I of course gave in again and purchased one bag of unnecessary mini eggs, just so I could entice him back into the buggy and hurry things up a little.

I thought I would be clever and arrive at Costa earlier than my friends to get a good table and feed two hangry kids. The table and the feeding plan worked well, however amusing one small boy with a bag full of toys did not. It started with a moan that the motorbike he had been playing with had got stuck under the sofa, he banged his head six times on the table trying to retrieve it and he also refused to eat anything shouting “YUCK” at everything that was offered. After about thirty minutes he got my coat and said “Come on mummy, come on”, he was fed up but also very tired after walking everywhere. I resorted to strapping him in the buggy like a terrible mum just so I could finish my half conversation with my friend and gave him his dummy to lessen the moaning! I shit you not, he fell asleep within minutes, that shit never happens! Then Ruby decided she would continue to arch her back and make mummy look all awkward and incompetent. I decided Ruby could join her brother and in the buggy she went! However her acrobatics lately are quite something, so after getting her to bend in the middle, I finally strapped her in and rocked her back and forwards to sleep. By which time, my two childless friends on their precious lunch hour had to get back to work and that was the end of that!

Wednesday, I actually managed a group despite feeling ridiculously tired after another crappy nights ‘sleep’, well…if you can call it that. I met my friend and her little boy at a baby group who is slightly nuttier than my little number two which pleases me somewhat as this kid eats everything at group; from crayons, to playdough and occasionally paint despite having a zillion allergies, he gives his poor mum mini heart attacks everywhere she goes. He is also a climber, one minute he is there and the next minute he is up a book shelf! I love that kid, he does it all with a smile too! After the group I walked to that very healthy shop they call ‘Greggs’, grabbed two sandwiches (the ones in the healthy bit), followed by two lucozades and some doughnuts and headed to my friends. My friends daughter had turned one recently, and I felt we needed to celebrate the fact she was still alive and my friend hadn’t lost her shit completely with some sugar! After a few hours of endless nattering and number two had squashed enough wotsits into the furniture and emptied every toy box, we thought we would leave their house resembling a burglary and go home to a tidy house (for once) with one sleeping child! Winner Winner, it was not chicken for dinner, but chilli.

Which brings me to, today Thursday, it is actually rare that I know what day of the week it is. I only know what day it is by the children’s clubs/activities because I don’t really have a social life of my own anymore but this week, so far, has made me feel like I have. “Shout out to my friends, you re really quite the BEST!” (in a Little Mix singing voice).

Like, comment, please tell me more about your social lives!


Nostaligic Parenting


The baby walker is officially down from the loft, washed, dusted and ready to roll with the third child in mind. However the excitement from number twos face suggested he had other ideas. As soon as we placed little Ruby in her ‘new’ walker, number two pointed at her and said “Tuddle mummy”. I replied “No mummy doesn’t want to tuddle Ruby”. So then number two pointed again at Ruby in the walker and looked at daddy and said “Tuddle Daddy”. Daddy replied, “No Maddox, Daddy doesn’t want to tuddle Ruby”! Once more number two persisted and pointed again to Ruby in the walker and said to his sister, “Immie tuddle”! Immie just laughed! It was clear to see someone had missed these wheels, despite having a thousand other wheels on every ride on you can imagine, every type of vehicle and even a ride on lion. That did not matter as this was the only ride he wanted now!

His excited little face when he finally got to jump in there was priceless and it got me thinking about all the fun he used to have in there at the exact same age. Since they are fifteen months apart it isn’t actually that long ago! The chunks out of the skirting board and scuffed walls are still there for all to see. I used to curse that the reason he didn’t crawl at six months and say it was because he was in that walker all to often, when in fact he was just later at reaching some milestones than his sister.

His eldest sister, number one also used the same walker, when it was brand spanking new and actually had batteries in the activity bit! The first child always gets the best of everything and I probably even replaced a few batteries in her toys as they ran out. Oh not, not now, we instead enjoy what peace we can get from not so noisy toys!

In fact poor hard done by number one, had to roll around in her walker on carpet, what graft that must have been! She also had far less space to roam around in, as we used to have the worlds smallest kitchen a hallway and a living room. Number two and three will continue to benefit from bungalow living, hard floors and one very, fun and long hallway to ride up and down in. I will however continue to swear about how bastard hard one level living is. Don’t get me started on the hovering and the places you can find a toothbrush! Third world problems right?

So from one well loved and well used walker, which is probably the best part of £50 quid well spent, I started to feel sad about the phases we are kissing goodbye to as they grow. With number three its all happening so fast again, something last night got me thinking about her labour (see previous post on birth stories for more) and it got me thinking about how quick that all happened and now the last six months have flown by!

Because number one is older there is a lot to be sad about as so much has gone already! Her crawling was much like Ruby’s; commando to start with, and I remember the first time she walked how choked up the husband and I were! Though I also look back and cringe a bit about the first time parents we were! We  that badge so well! Our child was the best behaved, the cleverest, the prettiest….well she was just everything better than yours! All because she was ours! Each new phase first time around is so new and exciting and also equally daunting. All my previous Facebook status’ were about all the new things she was doing and how much I loved her! I am sure I would cringe a bit if I read them now!

Poor Ruby, I haven’t even told the world of Facebook that she is even crawling! Bloody crime or what? And well Maddox, has been our little whirlwind! The child we wanted for so long, our rainbow baby and we struck gold! He is a fucking nutter, there are two ways about it. Being our only boy, he is special but he is also a little character, once seen never forgotten! I feel sad about how quickly he has grown and I feel like I’ve missed a lot of it, due to being pregnant when he was 6/7 months old then struggling with grief. He teaches himself more than I teach him, some of it is because I am so busy but also a lot of it is because his nature is so inquisitive! He has reminded me how I love this age (2 and 3). I may regret saying that as we haven’t hit the terrible twos as yet. Although, he kicks off quite easily and gets frustrated over the smallest things, some of which I feel is his age but also his nature! I think he is much like me as a child! I was termed ‘the difficult one’! He isn’t difficult, just challenging (or is that PC for saying a bit of a shit?!), but I secretly quite enjoy his challenges, as we are learning how to parent him, his way!

God I’ve gone on a bit, I apologise for that! But what I am simply trying to say in a round about way, is they are all so different, but growing up just as fast. I am missing the stages that they have gone through and feeling nostalgic about it whilst swearing about the stage they are all at now! I cannot understand half the words number two is saying at the moment and it frustrates him also. Number one is so hormonal and stroppy I don’t know what to do with her sometimes and number three hasn’t slept through the night yet, not even once! HELP! Where is the manual, and also where is the time machine!?


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Competitive Parenting

1988I thought I would never be one of ‘those’ pushy parent types but its like an itch you just have to scratch, again and again! At first it started with crawling, then walking, to sounds, words and colours. But now competitiveness harvests its ugly and unwanted self at sports day, our annual ‘best dressed pumpkin’ event and even homework projects! I am ashamed to admit it because its so not who I thought I would be. Today was one of those days, as both the husband and I were stood on a school field for a cross-country event for under 9s screaming  both like a fishwife “COME ON…you can do it Immie”.

Combined with the husband and I saying “Shit, she has taken the whole pace yourself too literally, and she is at the back of the line…she will never win now…do something”! This then spurted on the husband to move further up the field to shout some more ‘encouragement’! Shameless! And when she did in fact lose, I was all like “Well done sweetheart, I am so proud of you and you had such a bad cold” but was thinking, you could have ran faster, I saw you stop like twice, FFS! I am going to hell!

Whereas the husband was like, “Well done” but I could tell he was really like, “We will discuss this later”, which means he will politely tell her in some rather tactful way that she could have tried harder! Again awful, we are the WORST!

Last year when Immie, our number one child, ran for sport day and she came 2nd! She should have come first as she slowed between the white line and the ribbon! It was a matter of milliseconds and by the very fact I am telling you this…you can see this shit clearly matters! I am one of those parents! Which is all rather strange, because anyone who knows me from school (feel free to comment) knows I was the least competitive child. I actually hated competitive people, I thought it was all rather ugly and unnecessary, just like PE! I am the LEAST sportiest person.

However as I have grown up and I am no longer forced to do the bleep test and find 100 ways to forge my mothers signature for a sick note, I strangely now enjoy exercise and even running! If I became famous for running (that will not happen btw) but say if I ended up the next Paula Ratcliffe, my old PE teachers would piss their pants laughing so hard as they would have never seen that coming! Ok, so I am not even that good at running, and I still hate, well I am actually scared of any competitive running, I even avoid all those charity type runs too!

And because of that I really do not want my children to be the unsporty type. I acted all girly about my lack of sporting ability at school and I want the complete reverse for my girls! I want them to try to enjoy a variety of sporting activities and not just the assumed girlie ones like “Netball”. I fecking hated that one, because once someone threw the ball at me, and I caught it all unexpectantly and it ripped of a few off my nails which had taken me an age to grow! Pointless game of catch, right?

So when our Immie got picked to run for the school I was uber proud! And I never let on about my lack of sporting ability, or my dislike of PE! I want her to have the confidence to just try, I don’t even care if she wins, but then when she doesn’t I kinda do! And when she does so well, I am so bloody proud that she isn’t like me!!!

So today, I realised we both hadn’t intended on becoming ‘those parents’ but we try so hard in so many ways to give them all the ‘best’, or our ‘best’ and we want them all to succeed in whatever it is they are good at. We say to the Immie a lot, “We just want you to do your best, Imogens best, no one elses”. I’m not worried about the others as someone else’s full potential is not ours. It’s the same with her school work, we just want the very best! Pushy or not its all with good intentions.

But today is another reminder, that we only want to boost her confidence and not zap it! And we were not alone, as I smiled as I watched my husband give our daughter the pre race pep talk as the other dads were doing the exact same! I now realise that being competitive isn’t all that ugly, it’s what drives us. It’s the reason we are who we are. We become a version of ourselves that is built upon others ideas, sometimes their set backs and others achievements. Getting a degree whilst having a young child inspired a few friends around me that realised if I could do it, so could they! We bought a house young and renovated it because we had some friends who had done the same just before us, and we were inspired! A friend of mine lost weight on weight watchers after having a baby, so I joined and lost weight too! I am a follower! What a sheep!

But I thank you competitiveness, I don’t always dislike you, you can motivate the husband and I and our children too. However, please don’t turn us into monsters in the process! Thank you kindly.


HELLO…is it me your looking for?

Dec 20th 2015 (10)

Well actually yes, it is. if your name is EVENINGS! I would like to see mine again sometime really bloody soon! It would just be nice to have all the boring bastard house jobs wrapped up by like 7.30pm and all three children in bed at the same time! Then I would treat myself to some Walking Dead, Scandal and the occasional Teen Mom, well that’s when I can get hold of the remote!

It feels like I haven’t blogged in forever, but this is because there have been things to do right up and till 8.30pm and then my eye balls burn and I’m shattered. But somehow I do manage at least another thirty minutes of I phone time before falling asleep!

When we had just one child, we used to watch so much telly! Now I barely get to see Emmerdale, or even a program which is not paw patrol or has some repetitive catching tune for just thirty minutes. In my twenties, before university and after number one, at the time she would actually sleep and go to bed at 7pm Id probably average three hours of television a night! This sounds like heaven to me right now!

In fact, it would be so lovely if I sent the husband out for three hours with all three children at say 7pm so that I could ensure three hours of uninterrupted TV time. No, “Mummy I’ve hurt my finger”, or “Mummy I can’t sleep”, just the sound of the kettle boiling would be nice…hmmm. What soft place services are open at 7pm, is it totally wrong to take three children out to the pub at 7pm on a school night…could I actually get my husband arrested though?

I know I am being bloody selfish just letting my unmotherly mind wander there in the fields of self-interest and narcissism (posh word alert….might have googled it ; ). I must sound terribly ungrateful at times and I am pretty glad the children cannot read my mind and hear my unspoken words in my head, because aside from the swearing they would feel really unwanted!!!

But most of my days are filled with the rollercoaster highs and lows of parenthood. Like today, it started with the number two coughing so much he was sick on me and in his bed, mostly sour milk…delightful! Then whilst washing the bedding and clearing up the breakfast things I walk past the living room to see number two has pulled down his nappy and has his hands in his shit! He is saying something to me, but couldn’t work out what, he hasn’t learnt the word shit yet! Not sure why as I say it enough! But then later after 35 minutes (I kid you not) of screaming because he got a potato peeler out of the kitchen drawer and I told him to put it back, he cried “Tuddle mummy, tuddle”. So bloody naughty but insanely cute!

Then little Roo number three was having none of this napping business this morning and also did not want to be put down on the floor! So I had to listen to more crying than Id like to in putting the shopping away but when I returned to the room to pick her up, he little cheeks and a huge smile, I don’t really mind that extra “Tuddle”!

My eldest also came out of school in a good mood for once which is nice. Because for an eight year old its like we have hit the teenage years already, I don’t know who I am getting when I pick her up! I now understand why I was called Abbie A and Abbie B as a child! Karma that’s called! I informed the eldest that I had packed her running gear and we would practice her cross-country today instead of our usual swim slot and she didn’t mind at all. I packed up some squash, half time oranges and a small chocolate bar to distract from the fact I was making her run the entire length of my old high school field! She bossed it and I am not sure where she gets her athletic enthusiasm from, certainly not me! I like running now but I had the ability of the overweight kids at school, hence why every cross country or sports day I would be the skinny girl with zero ability competing with them. And yes…they always out ran me!

Number one made me so proud that she can run faster than her mummy and probably her daddy! Sssh don’t tell him I said that.

So despite losing my evenings to these little beauties for now, I know it wont last forever…oh no…wait… it will, because teenagers do not go to bed at 7pm! FML! How much is TOO much, in terms of boarding schools….


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The End of No Spend


Thank the baby Jesus it is over. I have totalled up the savings, and its in the hundreds so the husband is rather impressed. He now tells me that I could do this every month! Err, I don’t think so! However restricting our spending in this way has definitely been a good learning curve, as I now see where we could throw in a few no spend weekends to some months,especially since I am on maternity leave. I am pretty sure maternity pay is designed to go down so rapidly that it makes you realise you should go back to work!

So in the months ahead, I’ve decided to forecast our spending for celebrations we are going to ahead, and small treats that we plan to do, like the occasional play place, coffee and Kaspa’s (waffle house) trip. However apart from those already budgeted outings, we are going to attempt three no spend weekends! Saving money is almost a bit addictive and I never thought I would utter those words. Just because we can do something like eating out, doesn’t mean we should. All those hundreds of saved pounds this month would have otherwise been consumed by us, so I am surely saving the waistline too! However I see no improvement on that front yet, I am currently eating Tangfastics as I type!

And to my unhealthy eating habits, may I add that today (pancake day) I have eaten 5, yes 5 pancakes! Shameful but delicious! I had one lemon and sugar one this morning accompanied by a nutella one and a maple syrup one! Healthy breakfast right? At least I had one of my five a day on there! For dinner tonight I also had to sample the ones my sister made, so just to be polite I had another lemon and sugar pancake followed by a nutella one. My sister wanted to know whether hers were better than the ones my husband made this morning, but in case they never make them for me again I said I couldn’t tell they were all lovely! Secretly though I think the husbands ones were slightly less chewy! But don’t tell her I said that!

I see everyone on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter tonight posted lovely pictures of their pancakes, with a side of fruit which I bet you they don’t eat (in fact I usually have strawberries with mine) and I realise I was too busy eating ALL 5 of mine to do the same! However mine were not Instagramable, they were not folded carefully into little triangles nor were they carefully and sparingly drizzled  with syrup! Mine was covered then rolled, so looked more like two unhealthy sandwich wraps. Enough food talk now I feel a bit sick from the Tangfastics.

Today has been, clean the bastard house day, yippee my favourite! NOT! My dear husband also chose this day to work from home in our living room too…what a silly mistake. Both children took it in turns to cry uncontrollably and sleep for a minuscule second and then wake up. Thank you children for performing well today, I do not want him to think it is easy being at home, drinking tea and watching THIS MORNING! In fact he got to see the reason why I am eating still for two but not putting on any weight because I am run ragged. I managed to clean the bathroom, hoover the house, make the beds, wash three floors, wash and dry up and put one wash on before 10.30am. I practically sweat doing housework at the sped I do these days just to fit it all in with the smallest amount of crying! This is why women’s deodorant is crap! It is clearly not made for REAL women like myself! Why is it that men’s deodorant lasts much longer, they barely break into a sweat if like my husband they sit and their computer and drink a hot coffee, only exerting oneself with their key strokes and occasional getting up to make a phone call. Enough said, I think you get the picture of what my morning was like compared to the husbands!

I also thought Id be a lovely wife and take the children over the fields for a walk in an attempt to burn of some of number twos energy and give the husband some peace as returning emails can be EXHAUSTING right? So I attempted to cross over a couple of fields nearby to our house, but number two does not like wind or mud! “Tuddle, mummy, tuddle” he cried. As much as I wanted to “Tuddle” him in his ridiculously muddy boots. I was carrying his “No I am not going to bastard sleep mummy” sister in the carrier. All in all,a very successful walk, returning home just 15 minutes later!

We return home and guess what I find …the husband has a hot coffee in the living room next to his computer and has paused the telly on THIS MORNING, “What a fucking LIBERTY”!

How is your day different from your other half’s? Ever feel like you’re the wrong sex? Share with me on Facebook and don’t forget to like after reading or even better share this with a friend and tag them in.



The Weaning World


16681744_10154490318148869_3126912093970978222_n1Weaning can be a contentious issue fraught with uncertainty, guilt and surprisingly even shame. When to wean is now thought to be ‘best’ at around six months old according to the UK Department of Health, because those ‘experts’ tell us that a babies gastrointestinal function isn’t fully matured until seventeen weeks of age. Tons of information is provided to news mum’s not just by health visitors but other mums and the internet too, however with all of that ‘stuff’ and being a newbie at it can be a little bit daunting.

Pregnancy is monitored, predicated and recorded for nine whole months (if you make it that far) so it is hardly a shock when your baby is finally here, to find out that others welcome you with advice about feeding, from breast to bottle and then onto weaning. For new mothers weaning can be seen another exciting milestone yet to discover whereas mothers second time or so on, may secretly not be too thrilled by the idea of peeling, chopping and blending the shit out of everything. This is me currently!

I am now at the stage of finding teeny, tiny pots to put my (lovingly made with swear words) homemade puree’s, which look and often smell disgusting when it goes in just as when it comes out! This time I have waited till the perceived ‘right’ time, otherwise known as six months to wean my number three. However I had approached the whole subject of weaning completely differently both first and second time around.

As a new mum first time, like a rabbit caught in headlights, I did what any new mum did; chat lots about how and when I would wean number one, purchase a copy of Annabel Karmel’s book and stock up on lots of gender specific coloured pots and spoons! I was so ready to discover this new phase of parenthood, that I was probably more ready than she was! Blender ready, every organic dried snack on the market stocked and a chock a block freezer, I began our journey to food with Imogen at about 4/5 months old. I cant be sure about how many weeks she was, but if I did look back on Facebook I know that I took a picture of the first time she tried baby rice.

I used to make such huge portions of food for what was a tiny baby and more of it went all over her and up her nose than actually in the mouth! Who cares it was like some fun social experiment to see how many strange faces she could pull at each new food! I was absolutely adamant that my baby wasn’t having any of that jar food nonsense and that she would absolutely never EVER eat a packet of wotsits. Or heaven forbid taste a McDonald’s or a few chocolate buttons until she was like 5. Hmmmm. Aspirations are wonderful aren’t they? Reality however is slightly different.

I did however stick to making all of my own baby food, purely to punish and exhaust myself more…no really because I weirdly liked making them and because it made me feel better about my mothering abilities! I am sure there was the odd occasion when I gave number one something not homemade in them early days. But when I did make a purchase I was drawn to those Ella’s kitchen type pouches, as they simply read ‘organic’ which in the parenting world translates as ‘gold’ right? After many, many months on those tasteless organic vegetable type wotsits we eventually moved on to much cheaper alternatives, such as Skips, Quavers and real life wotsits! Funnily enough these went far quicker than those tasteless organic ones! And her first ever taste of McDonald’s was much later than number twos was. Still however racked with awful guilt and shame. I definitely did not take the shameless balloon out of my car for all to see where I had been! And I wasn’t one of those mummies with their child munching away happily in their buggy with their happy meal on show. Silly really!! Oh and as for chocolate buttons it was one for baby, two for mummy…

Number twos journey to weaning began at 5 months and I was like “This better make him bastard sleep”. “Feed em up to shut em up” that was the advice from my lovely Nan! Talking of advice, weaning is just like the subject of bottle or breastfeeding, what is ‘best’ and when to start can be met with a lot of tension! If like me with number one and two you wean before the six month mark, you may keep it hidden like some dirty little secret, just like how you enjoy watching trashy MTV shows! This was me, not bragging about weaning early, but if the subject was approached I replied with caution and would say things like “Oh he is just always so hungry, feeding like every hour”. Everything I said was a defence, like I was saying “I’m honestly not a bad mum, leading them into a life of obesity, heart disease and a zillion allergies”.

Why an earth I didn’t have the confidence to say, “I have decided it is now the right time for baby and I”, END OF. So with number two, I started much the same with all the blending of vegetables and puree of fruits until we moved onto our blended up dinners. I still had that Annabel Karmel book, but I must say I didn’t look at it once, in fact it’s still in my kitchen on the shelf! Sorry Annabel this mum has her own ideas! I moved number two onto our food reasonably quickly and found he was quite sensitive to dairy. Two many pettiti filous meant two many poonamis. I have picture proof of those too but for some reason that never made it onto Facebook!

So now with number three, I have started again with the blended up, mashed up vegetables and fruit and she is guzzling down everything I give her, which leads me to think waiting until six months may not have been best for her! In fact I think she was a bit starving!OOPS. Whenever you start weaning, is a decision only a mother or father who knows their baby well can decide. Advise is insightful but also at times unhelpful. Just because a mother doesn’t make her own baby food doesn’t make her a bad mother or mean her baby is less healthy than yours. And giving your child wotsits, or chocolate buttons or even a ‘dirty’ McDonald’s, does however mean you are quite normal!

What’s your weaning journey been like? Share with me your stories on Facebook? Also find me on Instagram not to miss my often daily picture posts!

Well Hello Doris…

img_2532Well, we have had a storm here in the East of England. Ok, so it’s not a patch on what places like Arkansas experience, but anything that blows our 10ft trampoline in the air and onto the roof is pretty exciting to a villager!

At about 4pm this afternoon I was starting to make dinner in the kitchen and was distracted at the ridiculous force of the wind in the back garden, which eventually blew away two fence panels off their posts. Pretty cool, I kind of started to see how these bat shit crazy storm chasers got off on the thrill of it all, watching the destruction as it happens! Live in my kitchen out of the window, I heard and saw a huge surge of wind blow the trampoline up into the air, over the washing line, over next doors conservatory planting it proudly onto the neighbours roof. SHIT BALLS.

I screamed like a girl, to my husband working in the living room, “James, james….OH MY GOD JAMES!”, and you would think he would come running right? No he casually answered “Alright Abbie, calm down”. I replied,”but the trampoline is gone…its on the roof!”. Because of my girly and very panicking screams, number one got so upset and started to cry!. Then this resulted in an argument with the husband about why I am so “overdramatic” as he puts it! I defended myself with, “but I was shouting because you could have ran out there and saved it before it went onto the roof”, to which he replied “Don’t be daft Abbie I wasn’t going to get that!”.

Well neither was I and I certainly wasn’t going outside in that weather to even attempt to retrieve it! But then I looked at the front of the house, and the roof and saw the trampoline in a stuck position still wafting about in the wind like some sort of for sale sign. Then I looked at our lovely new Audi and thought…hell no, over my dead body will that Argos special hit my very expensive motor! I went outside just to move my car over the road!

But when I parked the car and got out, I was literally sweep of my feet by the wind and that actually scared me a little…still didn’t pee my pants though! I was looking for something to hold as the wind was that strong! As had to hold onto the nearby house and guttering until I reached our bungalow where it was a little more sheltered from the wind. I wonder what the neighbours thought to this strange woman with a trampoline on her roof and her hugging the wall of a nearby house like a drunk! What a picture!

So my husband and I looked at several ways to get the trampoline down but it was well and truly stuck by the arm of the net, right over the peak of the roof. My husband went over to our friends house to borrow some rope. He came back with some rope looking thing with a hook on the end, not a clue what that is called. Anyway, the husband tries to lasso and hook the trampoline in an attempt to drag it down, but to no avail. He then gets a ladder and a hard hat on and instructs me to sit on the ladder whilst he climbs to the roof level to lasso again! After three lasso attempts the hook lands on the trampoline and we have it by the reigns.

Now the husband attempts to pull the trampoline down waiting for a gust of wind to chivvy it along a bit! After several attempts this fails and we start to worry about next doors conservatory as they are not at home and didn’t fancy them coming home to our trampoline in their newly built conservatory!

“Phone 999 Abbie”, he shouted, “No dumb ass, it’s not an emergency” I shouted back….”Err it sort of is” he cleverly responded. I then agreed to phone 101, then I was transferred but on hold for 10 minutes, then again I hung up and phoned again and was transferred to just dialling tones for another ten minutes! Oh fuck it I thought, I’ll phone 999. And yep they answer super quick and transferred me to the fire service. I told the operator its not urgent but also it sort of is if the trampoline was to fly off the roof, into someone or something. I gave out our address and the operator quickly responded with I’ll send someone right away! YES! Firemen at my actual house!

Shit I also thought, what if they come into our house, it’s now 5pm and I’m half way through cooking dinner and it looks like a bomb has gone off! Lots of frantic tidying by yours truly…and no of course they didn’t come into our house! Within about 10 minutes seven firemen arrived!! What a treat, not one but seven! They saw our predicament as did every sodding neighbour, taking pictures from their windows! To be fair I so would too! They then had a little pow wow type strategy meeting then got straight down to it. They got into next doors garden, one firemen was on the room attached ropes to the trampoline and the other firemen were in the neighbours back garden giving instructions.

When I saw how many men it took to get the trampoline down and how long it took that I realised, Ok that was a definite emergency and even if there weren’t winds of 80mph we still wouldn’t have got that trampoline down with one measly rope and a rickety ladder!

So the firemen are in the our shared driveway dismantling the trampoline with my husband and the fire truck is blocking any cars getting to our bungalows and then our poor neighbour arrives! She looked flustered and as would I if I arrived home to flashing lights, a fire truck in front of my home and seven firemen on my drive! I tried to explain what had happen in brief, and felt glad I wasn’t explaining how our trampoline smashed right into their newly built conservatory!

So that was just an average evening in our quiet village! Apparently I’ve made it onto our local village Facebook page and I am not even a member! Nice to be known for the idiots with the trampoline on the roof!

RIP Argos Trampoline, it was a short life Easter 2014-Present.

Share with me your stories of Doris! Have you lost anything? Share with me your pictures on Facebook.

If Carlsberg did Parenthood…

221.JPGIt would include a 24 hour support line for all sorts of necessary questions like, “Is three continuous hours of Paw patrol going to kill me or my child?”. A support line would have an array of professionals answering. You would of course be able to ask not just those idiotic but necessary questions but also the really helpful ones like, “What is a bedtime routine?”. The call handler and clever professional will then give out lots of reassuring advice and guidance which will actually work and will not be as useless as a the Johnson’s bedtime baby bath, which is apparently, “proven to help your baby sleep better”. Bullshit, did they test that shit out on baby rats…er I think so!

If Carlsberg really did do Parenthood, I would expect it to…

-Provide all new parents with a Nanny on stand by for when you just need to catch up on that all important sleep.

-Instead of bounty packs (which contain more leaflets than freebies….again bullshit) new parents would go home with some delicious, probably organic homemade ready meals to last a few days and then bounty would continue to deliver meals for six months.

-Your health visitor matches you with a cleaner come house/fairy maid on her first visit to you as these come as standard for new parents, and they visit weekly too.

-Parental leave is instead a whole year completely paid matching the chosen parents exact salary, not a penny over or under!

-New mums receive vouchers for an after baby ‘do over’, this includes; a hand and foot manicure and cut and colour.

-No journalist is ever allowed to photograph a new celebrity mum in her itty bitty bikini with her itty bitty waist because no parent in the Carlsberg world wants to feel shit about themselves.

-Car parking spaces at all supermarkets are now 30% mother and baby spaces which will always be close to the store and have an individual trolley bay complete with trolley in.

-Every Costa or Starbucks has a play area in the centre with tables conveniently laid around for those that actually want to watch their children or at least pretend too.

-Parenting can only happen between the hours of 7am and 7pm, anything after this time is seen as unreasonable and therefore the Carlsberg Nanny takes over.

-Two bottles of Calpol is sent to all parents monthly.

-If any nappy leaks it is the law that the producer of said nappy MUST wash all items for you or where poonami strikes, they reimburses you the cost of the replacement garment, even if you put the bastard nappy on ever so slightly wrong.


So I am off to talk to the CEO of Carlsberg to see if some of the above can become a reality, if you have any ideas I could add to this, please share with me here or on Facebook and don’t forget to like once you have read!

Unpaid Overtime and Jurassic Park


Our Jurassic World

I  have parented six days this week pretty much solo, that’s a lot right? I am definitely due some overtime and at the very least the worlds smallest violin playing a god awful tune for me! I say this a lot but I really do not think I would cope single parenting full-time with my three Herbert’s because I am shouty mum pretty much most of the time as it is.

I have also been pondering (with my copious amounts of free time) how id like to spend my overtime…I think that id like to ask my boss (aka Daddio) if I can have some time off in lieu. I have just a few ideas that I am going to run via the boss man about how I shall spend my days off, ALONE may I add. To name a few:-

1.Spend one week in a spa facility- or at least till I am all wrinkly and chilled out

2. One WHOLE day ALONE pondering around the shops, maybe in Norwich or the Big Smoke-I’ll try shit on, look at unpractical things like handbags and high heels and have one of those make up tutorials in say, MAC.

3.  Eat a posh lunch in somewhere fancy so I can dress up- perhaps I’ll have one of those bottomless prosecco lunch deals, like our local does (The Hadleigh Ram-link below) with the girls or even just one. Only as long as they come without child!

Balls, can’t do any of the above until no spend bastard February is over. I’m beginning to dislike February a lot! No spending is becoming pretty drab! It wasn’t too bad in half term but at weekends when the husband is off and presumes my culinary delights are served 7 days a week, I cant even ask old Ronald to lend a hand!

I mean seriously in March I am going to go all crazy and have takeout every night and drink Costa like its water! Sadly however I am all boring and practical these days and I’m excited by buying a new baby food processor in March, perhaps a pressure washer and probably a tin of paint for the conservatory. Boring bastard alert!

So no spend shitty February aside, what have I been up to this weekend? Well in fact I have told a wee fib, I have actually only been looking after two kids solo since Thursday because the eldest has been to at her Nanny and Granddad’s from Thursday until Saturday night! For me this is quite something! This is because I rarely let my little darlings leave the nest for one night at a time so two nights and three days is massive! I felt kind of lost, and the house was very quiet without her. Perhaps I shouldn’t moan about her talking so much!

So I tried out that two kid lark for a few days and it was easier in some respects but actually what is one more? Two is a zoo, so what is three…erm…Jurassic Park? Jurassic Park would probably be a good analogy of parenting three children because hot drinks in this house are extinct, milk is used liked a tranquilizer and at least one of the parks inhabitants sleeps in a cage. Much like Jurassic Park, I could probably sell some tickets to some of our spectacular shows here, and of course the star of the show would be our little mad Maddox.

So after the husband has worked a six-day week, we have had a really exciting Sunday! NOT! The Aldi shop was the only outing to be had, none of us could be arsed to go for a walk, so we spent the rest of the time indoors hibernating from the cold weather, watching Toy Story and eating treacle tart and custard. What an exciting life we lead, not to mention a healthy lifestyle!

How many unpaid hours have you clocked up this week?? How would you like to be rewarded? Share with me on Facebook, and do keep liking away!


HADLEIGH RAM-    http://thehadleighram.co.uk/menus/bottomless-brunch


Bottomless Brunch Hadleigh Suffolk

Bottomless Brunch Menu

 Available everyday 10:00am – 2:00pm

Choose a brunch dish and enjoy unlimited Prosecco, Bloody Mary’s or Smoothies for 2 hours!

Fresh out of London, bottomless brunch comes to The Hadleigh Ram. Bringing together this ‘inbetweeny’ meal – not quite breakfast, not quite lunch, however still very wholesome – greatly improved with the addition of free refills anytime throughout your 2 hour stay with us.


No Spend Valentines…Hmmmm


No spend February is much harder than I thought and it’s not necessarily due to the fact it is half term this week. It is however more to do with my laziness and extreme tiredness, when I would succumb to the soft fluffy buns that McDonald’s has to offer and the warm chocolaty delights of my much loved friend Costa!

Tonight I also fancied a takeaway as I am so tired (Story of My Life) and I thought that it was Friday but no such luck! I am so glad I didn’t go with the whole ‘Sugar Free February’ too, because I would be dead by now!

I am feeling in one of those moany moods, so I apologise firstly if this is a miserable blog and also I apologies if I swear too much!

This week went off to a surprisingly good start. On Monday I made the kids get up and sorted reasonably early so we could go out for a walk. Number two insisted on walking the entire way down to the park from our house with his little old legs and his dinosaur little life back pack. On route he managed to fall over twice,attract more dirt than on the buggy wheels and add a few more grazes to his teeny tiny knees. He was not arsed by this at all! He was more annoyed I picked him up to comfort him when all he wanted to do was get down and carry on walking! Strange one!

Eventually the repetition of the slide, got all too much for me and I managed to persuade number one and two to walk home so that we could do some baking before our playdate! I also may have bribed number two home and into the buggy with what we call “trickle”. To other human adults and children, this means sweets or chocolate. “Trickle, Trickle” he shouted as soon as I stopped the buggy outside! Shit, better stick to my word and diffuse the possibility of World War 4.

The eldest and I baked some chocolate cupcakes, which I accidentally left in the oven a wee bit too long and are now currently still sitting in the tin for someone to eat them! I have had a few but the icing is much better than the cake itself! Whoops! We also made some pink shortbread but I also left that in the oven to long, no idea again why, I was just ‘off my game’ I suppose! Anyway,it was somewhat edible as it contained sugar and this household is addicted. Probably because all three children have been fed in the womb nothing but sugar… doughnuts, to galaxy caramel, m and m peanuts….and so on. I am still blaming maoam pinballs for the reason number two is batshit crazy.

Monday ended with a playdate with my friend and now neighbour and her two children. A definition of a playdate to another adult is, you get to drink a hot cup of something, usually all of it and ignore your responsibilities for at least an hour, whilst every now and then hearing a loud bang and stating “Nah..they will be alright”. Playdates for playdate holder, means tidying the shit out of the house before the play date guests arrive only to do the same again when they have gone, however with a few more remnants of squashed biscuits and cake. This is however always worth it for the two following reasons:-

1.Because you get to finish a hot drink

2.Because you can talk to another human adult about human adult things.

So that was Monday, and free. Tuesday started with the same mind-set…lets knacker these kids out, so again I made them all walk to the park again in the freezing cold, this time however number two found an abandoned dog ball in the park and refused to let it go. When he fell over this time with ball in hand, he cried so much because he had sadly been detached from the ball, not because it hurt.

Freebie Tuesday also included our usual swim slot, on route to the pool number two fell backwards into a muddy puddle just outside the pool entrance! Luckily I had his gruffalo onezie to change into afterwards! That boy is a magnet for mud, puddles and poo!

Tuesday was also Valentines day, which both my husband and I are guilty of making it the shitest one yet!!

Last year we decided to boycott the whole affair because I hate that it is dictated that you must show the one you love, on this day that you love and care for them. You must also spend on them, spoil them and then share a gushing status on Facebook about how much they mean to you! Bleurgh! I am so not that way inclined!

It’s not that I hate Valentines day,I just don’t like to celebrate this on the same day as everyone else and I certainly do not want to go and eat in a restaurant with other smug couples because I would probably throw up into my soup or something! Haha! But then no celebration at all seemed to be even worse this year! We have been so busy that the husband and I didn’t even bother with cards, he took over the dinner cooking, which was gammon egg and chips and then we did the usual bath and bedtime with the children and pretty much ignored each other on our phones all evening! Then I stupidly perused Instagram and Facebook and looked at others romantic thoughtful valentines day! HMMMM.

I don’t intend on being a rubbish unthoughtful wife…it just happened!I don’t think my husband did either but next year we will at least get each other a card and maybe go out together around that time! So to hell with boycotting it, may aswell embrace it next year! In fact I did make him a valentine’s day cupcake with the kids so really if anyone has making up to do its him! ; )

How was your valentines/half term? Don’t forget to like this post after reading or perhaps share your favourite post so far?