Hopelessly Devoted to my Boobs

IMG_2899That is Ruby for sure. Ruby sure is a stubborn little girl and quite similar to her older sister in terms of defiance. Ruby, still on the god dam boobie, clearly did not appreciate the efforts Mummy and Daddy had gone to in an attempt to escape the mad house on Saturday evening. These wonderful humans, had planned a babysitter two months in advance, had ensured all three children were fed before leaving the house and Mummy had even painfully pumped 5oz of breast milk for the occasion. Not to mention ordered two 80s themed outfits from Amazon and paid a high price to ensure delivery was on time.

Frenchy and Bettlejuice are an unlikely pair, and perfecting ones ghost like appearance took far less time than it did for Frenchy to shower, shave, paint toe nails and find a non breastfeeding bra! Frenchy was fortunate enough to have a sister who owns half of MAC and is competent in contouring to work her magic on her very tired and slightly crinkled face! With one hour to get ready, between feeding and bath time, many swear words were shouted between Frenchy and Beetlejuice, which was almost as scary as the amount of leg hair left in the bath.

Beetlejuice agreed to drive, but not on the promise of marriage to Frenchy because she was already unfortunate enough to be married to the old ghost but on the promise of something more sinister ; )! In good old Frenchy fashion, she was far too consumed by the possibility of reuniting with her old pal alcohol to truly grasp by what he meant!

Earlier that day, Beetlejuice had rather stupidly said in front of the 8 year old that he was looking forward to “getting fruity” later that evening. Quick thinking Frenchy, agreed that if he was “feeling fruity”, she loudly announced she would purchase him a Caprisun!

So after one, tight hour of pruning, Frenchy and Beetlejuice, had a spare few minutes to take the above photograph before leaving the house half an hour late to the party. On arrival Frenchy was met by the incredible looking 30 year old Sandy and her very cute 3 year old Danny. Sandy was actually married to Indiana Jones, and her parents were a giant banana and Fred Flintstone, it was all rather confusing for a somewhat easily confused Frenchy.

Anyway, the unlikely pair, Frenchy and Beetlejuice, attempted to forget about their parenting woes and ordered two alcoholic beverages. After one hour of discussing who’s outfits looked the most awesome and ridiculous, Frenchy checker her phone…phew no messages, so she ordered another drink.

After some pork in a bun (no, not a euphemism), and a few slurps of a G & T the phone is checked again. It reads the following:-

Wont settle 21:00

Can’t sit down 21.01

Wont take it 21.01

Hello? 21.23

I’ve now defrosted the other milk to see if shel take that 21.23

Followed by a picture of her wide awake.

FFS. Now back into mum mode, I am firstly pissed off by the second text ‘Cant sit down’, oh cry me a river! Secondly, I am annoyed that I am only two drinks in, best dressed has not been announced and the cake hasn’t been cut! I never miss out on cake!

Two phone calls later and waiting another half hour on tender hooks, we both decide to throw the towel in and head home, to an apparently screaming baby! In pure third baby laid back fashion, we took our time, driving through McDonalds before actually heading home!!! Ironically on the way home, we drove past what is known locally as the ‘Fun bus’. The ‘Fun Bus’ is the last bus home from town to our even smaller nearby town, which as a drunk teenager I used to get with my friends. The highlight of those kind of nights was definitely my friend throwing up in her hands and being forced to swallow it to avoid getting thrown off! Risky!

Now I smile at my grown up sensible self, devouring a Mc Chicken Sandwich meal like I hadn’t just eaten an hour earlier!

Just as we approach our village I get a ping of texts, which read the following:-

She finally asked 22.50

Asleep 22.50

Be very quiet when u come in 22.50

FFS! After three hours of refusing the bottle and screaming her little head off she got so tired and fed up that she fell asleep! Well we were home now I thought so no point turning back. I also wanted to take off the ridiculous Wonderbra which once fitted my tiny non breastfeeding boobies and unload my MOUNTAIN of milk! Good night! The husband did however win the best dressed, but the prize was a free bar for the rest of the evening, however he was driving! There’s only so much coke you can drink!

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