Well Hello Doris…

img_2532Well, we have had a storm here in the East of England. Ok, so it’s not a patch on what places like Arkansas experience, but anything that blows our 10ft trampoline in the air and onto the roof is pretty exciting to a villager!

At about 4pm this afternoon I was starting to make dinner in the kitchen and was distracted at the ridiculous force of the wind in the back garden, which eventually blew away two fence panels off their posts. Pretty cool, I kind of started to see how these bat shit crazy storm chasers got off on the thrill of it all, watching the destruction as it happens! Live in my kitchen out of the window, I heard and saw a huge surge of wind blow the trampoline up into the air, over the washing line, over next doors conservatory planting it proudly onto the neighbours roof. SHIT BALLS.

I screamed like a girl, to my husband working in the living room, “James, james….OH MY GOD JAMES!”, and you would think he would come running right? No he casually answered “Alright Abbie, calm down”. I replied,”but the trampoline is gone…its on the roof!”. Because of my girly and very panicking screams, number one got so upset and started to cry!. Then this resulted in an argument with the husband about why I am so “overdramatic” as he puts it! I defended myself with, “but I was shouting because you could have ran out there and saved it before it went onto the roof”, to which he replied “Don’t be daft Abbie I wasn’t going to get that!”.

Well neither was I and I certainly wasn’t going outside in that weather to even attempt to retrieve it! But then I looked at the front of the house, and the roof and saw the trampoline in a stuck position still wafting about in the wind like some sort of for sale sign. Then I looked at our lovely new Audi and thought…hell no, over my dead body will that Argos special hit my very expensive motor! I went outside just to move my car over the road!

But when I parked the car and got out, I was literally sweep of my feet by the wind and that actually scared me a little…still didn’t pee my pants though! I was looking for something to hold as the wind was that strong! As had to hold onto the nearby house and guttering until I reached our bungalow where it was a little more sheltered from the wind. I wonder what the neighbours thought to this strange woman with a trampoline on her roof and her hugging the wall of a nearby house like a drunk! What a picture!

So my husband and I looked at several ways to get the trampoline down but it was well and truly stuck by the arm of the net, right over the peak of the roof. My husband went over to our friends house to borrow some rope. He came back with some rope looking thing with a hook on the end, not a clue what that is called. Anyway, the husband tries to lasso and hook the trampoline in an attempt to drag it down, but to no avail. He then gets a ladder and a hard hat on and instructs me to sit on the ladder whilst he climbs to the roof level to lasso again! After three lasso attempts the hook lands on the trampoline and we have it by the reigns.

Now the husband attempts to pull the trampoline down waiting for a gust of wind to chivvy it along a bit! After several attempts this fails and we start to worry about next doors conservatory as they are not at home and didn’t fancy them coming home to our trampoline in their newly built conservatory!

“Phone 999 Abbie”, he shouted, “No dumb ass, it’s not an emergency” I shouted back….”Err it sort of is” he cleverly responded. I then agreed to phone 101, then I was transferred but on hold for 10 minutes, then again I hung up and phoned again and was transferred to just dialling tones for another ten minutes! Oh fuck it I thought, I’ll phone 999. And yep they answer super quick and transferred me to the fire service. I told the operator its not urgent but also it sort of is if the trampoline was to fly off the roof, into someone or something. I gave out our address and the operator quickly responded with I’ll send someone right away! YES! Firemen at my actual house!

Shit I also thought, what if they come into our house, it’s now 5pm and I’m half way through cooking dinner and it looks like a bomb has gone off! Lots of frantic tidying by yours truly…and no of course they didn’t come into our house! Within about 10 minutes seven firemen arrived!! What a treat, not one but seven! They saw our predicament as did every sodding neighbour, taking pictures from their windows! To be fair I so would too! They then had a little pow wow type strategy meeting then got straight down to it. They got into next doors garden, one firemen was on the room attached ropes to the trampoline and the other firemen were in the neighbours back garden giving instructions.

When I saw how many men it took to get the trampoline down and how long it took that I realised, Ok that was a definite emergency and even if there weren’t winds of 80mph we still wouldn’t have got that trampoline down with one measly rope and a rickety ladder!

So the firemen are in the our shared driveway dismantling the trampoline with my husband and the fire truck is blocking any cars getting to our bungalows and then our poor neighbour arrives! She looked flustered and as would I if I arrived home to flashing lights, a fire truck in front of my home and seven firemen on my drive! I tried to explain what had happen in brief, and felt glad I wasn’t explaining how our trampoline smashed right into their newly built conservatory!

So that was just an average evening in our quiet village! Apparently I’ve made it onto our local village Facebook page and I am not even a member! Nice to be known for the idiots with the trampoline on the roof!

RIP Argos Trampoline, it was a short life Easter 2014-Present.

Share with me your stories of Doris! Have you lost anything? Share with me your pictures on Facebook.

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