It would include a 24 hour support line for all sorts of necessary questions like, “Is three continuous hours of Paw patrol going to kill me or my child?”. A support line would have an array of professionals answering. You would of course be able to ask not just those idiotic but necessary questions but also the really helpful ones like, “What is a bedtime routine?”. The call handler and clever professional will then give out lots of reassuring advice and guidance which will actually work and will not be as useless as a the Johnson’s bedtime baby bath, which is apparently, “proven to help your baby sleep better”. Bullshit, did they test that shit out on baby rats…er I think so!
If Carlsberg really did do Parenthood, I would expect it to…
-Provide all new parents with a Nanny on stand by for when you just need to catch up on that all important sleep.
-Instead of bounty packs (which contain more leaflets than freebies….again bullshit) new parents would go home with some delicious, probably organic homemade ready meals to last a few days and then bounty would continue to deliver meals for six months.
-Your health visitor matches you with a cleaner come house/fairy maid on her first visit to you as these come as standard for new parents, and they visit weekly too.
-Parental leave is instead a whole year completely paid matching the chosen parents exact salary, not a penny over or under!
-New mums receive vouchers for an after baby ‘do over’, this includes; a hand and foot manicure and cut and colour.
-No journalist is ever allowed to photograph a new celebrity mum in her itty bitty bikini with her itty bitty waist because no parent in the Carlsberg world wants to feel shit about themselves.
-Car parking spaces at all supermarkets are now 30% mother and baby spaces which will always be close to the store and have an individual trolley bay complete with trolley in.
-Every Costa or Starbucks has a play area in the centre with tables conveniently laid around for those that actually want to watch their children or at least pretend too.
-Parenting can only happen between the hours of 7am and 7pm, anything after this time is seen as unreasonable and therefore the Carlsberg Nanny takes over.
-Two bottles of Calpol is sent to all parents monthly.
-If any nappy leaks it is the law that the producer of said nappy MUST wash all items for you or where poonami strikes, they reimburses you the cost of the replacement garment, even if you put the bastard nappy on ever so slightly wrong.
So I am off to talk to the CEO of Carlsberg to see if some of the above can become a reality, if you have any ideas I could add to this, please share with me here or on Facebook and don’t forget to like once you have read!