Incomplete Christmas

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Well that’s it, its all over and done with for another year! And this year I feel like saying phew! I survived and I’m glad its over. Now I’m not usually a bah humbug type but this year was always going to be tough since its the first without my dear nan. If I am really honest, I haven’t enjoyed much of this festive time at all, not the shopping, the Christmas songs or the wrapping! (I loathe the wrapping most years to be fair!).

I’ve tried my best to not let it show, as my almost 8 year old has been extremely excited, and her build up to the BIG DAY begun with two pantos, school Christmas parties, tree lighting up ceremony, a Christmas jumper day…the list goes on! She was almost bursting on Christmas eve. The 19 month old however hasn’t got a Scooby doo.

So I still decided to continue with the same traditions as the years before, whereby my Bessie mates and their kids and partners come over for a little drinky poos Christmas Eve and I overdo it on the baking (every year, cant help myself!) and we all share pressies and wish each other a Merry Christmas! This year was exceptionally lovely as there are new babies and whilst I have a full house, I forgot this years pain.

I forgot that I felt sick to my stomach with loss, angry that this year it had to happen and generally just like Christmas couldn’t really happen without her. Christmas to me is a time about families, and I’m aware that this is not the same for everyone, but for me, that’s all it is about. Not really the presents, the food and the festive wear. Really must get some festive wear for next year, how the hell do I not own a Christmas jumper! Now is definitely the time to buy one, probably get three for a tenner!

So whilst avoiding blogging for a few days because I don’t really want to be all sombre, and I most definitely want to hide my feelings most days but I just couldn’t hold it in on Christmas day. My appetite wasn’t on form, I tried not to think about it, but the more you try, the more you do! So at one point I had to pull myself together in the bathroom. But what matters, is it didn’t ruin the day and the children were not aware.

However I say that, but my eldest, just before dinner time, was in tears and locked herself in the bathroom. This year, we didn’t just lose my Nan, her Nanny Nee-nor (long story!) we lost our dog whom we have had all of Imogen’s life, our Max. So without him around in the morning tearing the paper off his doggy presents, it just wasn’t the same. Imogen explained to me at the table that she just missed Maxie this year but maybe she also sensed I was myself.

Grief is new to me, I’m not sure I understand it, sometimes I’m not sure who I am grieving for, my dog or my Nan. I also don’t know why sometimes I feel so angry and frustrated, little things annoy me. I like to talk about my Nan to others to keep her memory alive but sometimes this makes me think about her last moments as she passed. I often think about the day she passed away, on repeat, just over and over in my head. I think this is my brains way of telling me she is really gone.

The funny thing is that I always thought, when she would go, I would always feel her around me, like funny things would happen, or I would feel she is still actually there. But I was surprised and maybe more upset/disappointed to feel nothing, nothing but emptiness and sick wrenching sadness.

With those feelings so raw this year, I think about anyone at Christmas time, not just this year but in years gone by, when they have had to experience this. Christmas to me is a time for families, a time to show you care and tell someone how much they mean to you. From this awful year, I realise how precious life is, and how short life can be, its pointless wasting moments and even your breath on arguments with someone you really care about. Its sad to look at others around you and think that one day they wont be there, especially your parents.

My Christmas message to all my lovely readers, is love a lot, always be kind, and let go because sometimes, things just aren’t worth it. If we could buy time, we would all be rich. We cant, so lets be rich with love and rich with kindness. We don’t give to receive, but if we gave love and kindness you would hope you received!

Merry Christmas to you all! Tell me about your Christmas this year? Are you missing anybody, do you know much about grief? Maybe your words could help, someone else as well as me?

 

 

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